U P D A T E S
March 1997 -- October 2001
Additions - Changes - Latest
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9 March 1997
- Three new sections were added to this site: "Maledicta
Links," "Polyglot Exclamations"
and this "Updates." The first is restricted to international web sites
featuring maledicta-related materials -- glossaries, studies and listings of insults,
curses, and the like -- and this page that will keep you abreast of changes and additions
on the entire web site, so that you don't have to leaf through all pages to find
new material. In "Polyglot Exclamations" I have started an accurate and
scholarly multilingual collection of three common utterances, Kiss my ass!,
Shut up! and You asshole! You are encouraged to add material in any
language and dialect.
- Updates, revisions and additions in "Polyglot Exclamations," "Maledicta
Links" and "Quickies" will not be shown on this "Updates"
page, as it is assumed that anyone interested in these specific topics will bookmark
the pages or return to them and check for new material and updates marked in red.
- "Quickies" are now a separate section.
- The home page was restructured by arranging the 12 sections
(boxes) horizontally, to provide an easier overview of the contents of the entire
- Following the Legal Scumbags page is a new
page under construction, The Electronic Pillory,
where I'll rip into and expose various bastards and bitches who have made my life
miserable or who are despicable scum. The individuals verbally flagellated there
are not despicable lawyers, judges or journalists, for whom I have separate pages.
- Several new interviews and news stories about Maledicta were added to
the Maledicta News page. The latest addition is always
- Typesetting and formatting Maledicta 13 needs my attention now -- as the
new book is my only source of income -- so I have decided not to add new material
to "Quickies" every Sunday but whenever I can. Besides -- to be frank,
mes amis -- why should I bust my ass finding new material, editing it, formatting
it neatly, and putting it in "Quickies" when only five viewers out of more
than 5,800 visitors (not counting the Irish mirror site) have ordered the Maledicta
Monitor, Maledicta or other books?
Why should I bust my eyeballs until 4 or 6 a.m. to entertain people who are too bloody
cheap to spend a few bucks on my publications to keep this site, Maledicta
and me going? Right? Right. Fuck 'em.
- I updated my comments about the "You eat like a pig!" site in "Maledicta Links," ripped into ignorant
professors, and added a few jokes in "Quickies
11 March 1997
- In my attempts to present a well-organized site, I have shifted all the "Gripes,"
personal or otherwise, from the "Quickies"
pages to the "The Electronic Pillory"
section, where they logically belong. This way there'll be only fun in "Quickies"
and no disturbing, personal, heavy stuff that might get some of you depressed or
- As time permits, I will add book reviews of new works by our Maledicta members
and other books dealing with maledicta-related topics.
- A few days ago, I sent a short questionnaire about this site and viewers' browsing
preferences to 95 friends and acquaintances. I'll summarize the results here. As
usual, de gustibus non est disputandum.
- You may have noticed that I use few italics, as they look awful. For this reason,
I prefer boldface for emphasis.
- The latest interview
with Uncle Mal was just posted on the Net.
31 March 1997
- Added a cute button on the Ideal Woman Page.
- Added new jokes and much new material about the "Heaven's Gate" suicides
of last week in Quickies 4.
4 April 1997
- Added more material about the "Heaven's Gate" suicides in Quickies
8 April 1997
12 April 1997
- Started Quickies 5 with "The Lord's Prayer"
- Added a few new riddles about the cult suicides in Quickies
- For the best viewing of these (and all) web pages, I recommend that you set your
Netscape Navigator or Internet Explorer to the "Times New Roman" font.
This TrueType serif font looks good at any size and is available free from (boo!)
IBM-compatible and Macintosh computers.
- I am very pleased to report that my Hillary
Clinton's Pen Pal book -- a prison primer preparing Ms. Rodham for her well-deserved
incarceration -- is featured among the first entries on the "All
About Hillary Clinton" web site. While most linked sites are supportive
and flattering ("I Love Hillary" fan clubs) or promote her propaganda speeches
and the book she didn't write, several links document her misdeeds, perjuries committed
by her (legal) staff, and other transgressions by that despicable liar married to
a repulsive liar.
20 April 1997
- I have added the complete text of my "J'accuse:
An Open Letter to Janet Reno" article from Maledicta 11. This long
article ("J'accuse!") is about 75 k. Of course, such a long piece is easier
to read in an elegantly typeset book, but if you have no money to buy the volume,
go ahead and bust your eyeballs reading the screen version. This article is copyrighted
1995, but you are welcome to disseminate it widely, provided you indicate the source.
The Internet is ideal to spread such information worldwide and to show how morally
corrupt our legal system is.
- I have added a few jokes in Quickies 5.
- On the Home Page (index), all individual subsections
are now linked and accessible by clicking, instead of having to go first to the main
section. Also, I deleted the beige-colored Home Page because only two viewers didn't
like my elegant black one.
- Our Polyglot Exclamations page will be revised.
First, I'll add another common exclamation ("Oh, shit!"); and second, I'll
provide situations or scenarios most likely to cause the four types of exclamations.
Then I'll e-mail a short questionnaire with instructions to all who know other languages
and invite all other readers to request the questionnaire by e-mail. The feedback
so far has been lousy, guys! -- One situation may be as follows: You are carrying
a bowl filled with spaghetti sauce. Suddenly you trip and spill the red sauce on
a white carpet. What angry exclamation would you utter that is comparable to "Oh,
shit!"? -- Years ago, I was ready to strangle some of the informants who did
not fill out another questionnaire for such reasons as: "I don't have a white
carpet" or "I don't eat spaghetti." Jesus! "Pretend, you
dumb son-of-a-bitch! Use your imagination!" I wrote back. God, what a way to
make no living!
11 May 1997
- The Polyglot Exclamations page is still under
heavy construction. I will add two more common exclamations (Goddamn it! and
Jesus Christ!) in my quest to collect material for a study of a multi-language
and multi-religion Blasphemology. After the revision of this section is done, I'll
e-mail questionnaires to informants.
- In Quickies 3, I've added many new examples to
"Hooked on Ebonics."
- Three recent contributions were added to the "Heaven's Gate" section,
as well as individual riddles, in Quickies 4.
- On the Great Journalists page and on the
Uncle Mal's Ideal Woman page, I've added neat pulsating
hearts. Also, on the latter page, I've added a new section called "Reactions,"
where viewers' mail about the "Ideal Woman" is published, followed by my
more or less witty comments.
- I've added Janet Reno to my unfinished list of Legal
- Today being Mother's Day, I thought it was appropriate to annoy uptight females
with anti-women jokes and riddles in Quickies 5. Next
time, a good feminist (as contrasted with man-hating bitches) will function as a
guest editor and counter the anti-women material with anti-men riddles and women's
humor she says are lacking in these pages. -- Also, on the same page, I've added
other riddles to annoy various groups and once again ripped into cowardly, castrating,
gutless newspaper editors who are afraid of printing the word "chickenshit."
Finally, there's a short note about Mike Royko's death and a kick in the ass for
one of his illiterate columnist colleagues in Chicago.
- Suggestions: Why not bookmark this "Updates" page, so that you'll
always be abreast of and au courant about the frequent changes and additons?
Also, a look at the Home Page (section 11) will tell you
the date when new material was added to this ever-growing site. -- I do hope you
have set your browser to underline links, otherwise you'll miss a lot.
17 May 1997
- Added a large section to Uncle Mal's Ideal Woman.
- Browser Language and Font Settings: In order to see all the umlauts, accents,
other diacritical marks, and special characters used mainly in other languages (e.g.,
é, ì, ô, ü, ç, ß, ñ, æ, ø),
your browser has to be set correctly.
If you are using Netscape Navigator, go to Options, then
General Preferences, then Font, and choose "Western" in the "For the
Encoding" section. This will also influence your e-mail, and you'll see all
the correct characters, instead of squares and other unusual symbols.
If you are using Internet Explorer, go to Preferences, then
Language or Fonts (depending on the version used), and choose "Western"
or "Latin 1" (depending on the version).
As mentioned above on April 12, for the best viewing of text on
any web site in any size and style (italics, bold), set your browser's
proportional font to the serif "Times New Roman." The sans-serif, Helvetica-like
"Arial" in 12-point also looks good. For fixed-width font, I use "Verdana"
(also free from Microsoft, above), because it's a broad, rectangular, easy-to-read
font for web site headlines and for "Netscape" e-mail. For printing web
pages, I use 12-point size; for viewing, I switch to 14-point.
I know, I know -- it's all a matter of personal taste; but after
20 years of studying typography and working with fonts, I have learned which typefaces
and fonts look good on paper and on the screen and are easy on your eyes.
1 June 1997
- More queries and comments added to the Ideal Woman
- In Quickies 5, added reactions to the anti-women
riddles presented on Mother's Day; also new anti-men riddles with analyses; various
items about hateful women and angry Negroes, as well as new riddles.
- Added 20 new Maledicta Links to web sites dealing with
synonyms for masturbating, slang, and abusive or offensive language in English and
other tongues. I also created the "Maledicta Seal of Approval" award for
fine maledicta-related sites.
- There won't be any updates for a while. I must finish Maledicta 13, which
is my only source of income. This Maledicta web site -- the product of hard
work by Big Dave and me, with continual additions and improvements over the past
six months -- has resulted in fewer than 20 orders. So, mes amis, for the
time being, screw the Web!
12 June 1997
- Added to the Maledicta Links page information about
getting the HyperGlot program from me, as well as links to more synonyms for "masturbation"
and to a tremendous site about Dutch cursing.
- Added new material to the Polyglot Exclamations
- Added in the "News - Reviews - Interviews"
section the link to another wonderful Dutch article about Maledicta 11 and
12 by Marc Schoorl in De
Groene Amsterdammer. -- If you can read the intelligent articles about Maledicta
by Dutch, German, Italian and Swiss journalists, you can understand why I'm disgusted
with the majority of our brainless American "journalists" who work for
top newspapers and magazines but are too shallow or too stupid to comprehend what
Maledicta and Hillary Clinton's Pen Pal are about. These European journalists
are true intellectuals who understand the value and wit of Maledicta, unlike
the superficial scribblers at, say, TIME Magazine, Newsweek, the New
York Times, Wall Street Journal, Washington Post, Boston Globe,
Chicago Tribune, Los Angeles Times, and Toronto Globe and Mail,
not to mention the birdbrains who write for provincial rags like the Milwaukee
Urinal or the San Francisco Comical.
4 July 1997
- Started Quickies 6 with jokes and riddles, a link
to cartoonist John Callahan.
- I had to postpone publication of Maledicta 13 until December. Price increase
-- the first since 1979 -- from $12.50 to $15.00 on orders received after
September 15 (see Price List). Save a few bucks
and subscribe now!
- Updated two items in the Maledicta Links section and
added a link to the Santessons' newest collection, Cursing
- In addition to my personal
tribute, there is an official web page for "Forgotten
Felines of Sonoma County" with a link to "Bringing
Home a New Kitty."
- In Legal Scumbags, I added the text of Federal
Chief Judge Joe Pee Scatmüller's latest denial of releasing me early from his
humiliating probation. And to celebrate today my fourth anniversary of being a Convicted
Felon (heh-heh), I'm engaging again in a pissing contest with legal skunks.
8 July 1997
- Added in Quickies 6 several excerpts from an ongoing
war of words among the friends and foes of Kathie Lee Gifford. Raw verbal aggression
at its best!
- Also posted "The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men," a witty and
oh-so-true account of why men are forced to lie to women.
14 July 1997
- Added new stuff in Quickies 6.
- Exactly four years ago, on Bastille Day, a jury of twelve Milwaukee imbeciles
found me guilty of mailing threats, even though three-quarters of those assholes
were not smart enough to find the word "threat" in a dictionary. To celebrate
this anniversary, I've gloatingly added recent news about drunk, lying, speeding,
and masturbating judges in "Time Wounds All Heels" at the end of Legal
21 July 1997
- Added more material in Quickies 6, including rants
against several contemptible liars.
25 July 1997
- Shifted Gianni Versace riddles and my rant against witless joke tellers to the
new Quickies 7 and reproduced one of the Letters to
the Editor I love to get.
28 August 1997
- Added a Sneak Preview of Liesbeth Koenen's Dutch book
on language and the human brain, together with our interview in Dutch. Whip out your
woordenboek and start reading!
21 September 1997
- Occasionally, new jokes, riddles and quips will be added without notice at the
end of Quickies 7.
- Added more Lying Swine to my list in Quickies 6:
Al Gore, Susan Thomases, Hazel O'Leary, Mike McCurry and Bob Bennett.
- Please subscribe now to Maledicta 13 (July
1998): $15.00 plus shipping (to USA addresses = $2.00, to all other countries = $2.50
for surface mail). Write for exact overseas airmail rates.
- Among other articles, Maledicta 13 features Finnish
swearwords and euphemisms, Latin insults by a Benedictine monk, Bulgarian insults,
Spanish pendejo proverbs, sexual vocabulary of Henry Miller and Anaïs
Nin, Theodore Dreiser's horny women, drug slang of American college students, nicknames
used by San Francisco homosexuals, and abusive terms for women at an Australian military
- If you like the kind of material featured in "Quickies,"
why not order the complete set of the Maledicta Monitor newsletter? I have
cut the price for the whole set (8 issues) to $5.00, plus postage. Find the Order
- The shocking deaths of Princess Diana and Dodi al-Fayed are triggering riddles
and jokes of such ferocity as not seen since the "Challenger" explosion.
See Quickies 7. Some 40 new riddles about Di, Dodi,
and Mother Teresa have been created. They will be published in Maledicta 13.
1 October 1997
- Liar Marv Albert pleads guilty. See details and a few jokes in "Lying Swine"
in Quickies 6, where you'll also find a startling report
about Albert's and Bill Clinton's identical activities: biting women and wearing
- After hearing of Marv Albert's dressing habits, U.S. Attorney Genital Janet Reno
has also begun wearing women's panties....
25 October 1997
24 November 1997
- At the bottom of "What Reviewers are Saying," added a listing
of most of the public, research and university libraries that subscribe to Maledicta.
- Will soon add new slang sites on the "Maledicta Links" page.
- Did you hear what Slick Willie gave to the mother of the Iowa septuplets?
-- He awarded her the Distinguished Cervix Medal. (Thanks, Janice)
- Why were prisoners upset when they heard that Marv Albert wouldn't be doing time?
-- Because Marv would have been the ideal cell mate: wearing women's panties and
able to talk sports!
6 December 1997
- Started Quickies 8 and added ten new slang sites
with links to more than 100 additional slang web sites in the Maledicta
1 March 1998
- Added Michael Kennedy jokes in Quickies 8. The
Clinton Oralgate and Lewinsky jokes will be in MAL 13.
- Added juicy information in Quickies 8 about
our Perjurious Philanderer-in-Chief, Bill "Blow Me" Clinton.
20 November 1998
22 July 1999
22 March 2000
7 April 2000
15 April 2000
8 July 2000
- Thanks to yet another (non-legal) upheaval in my life, the publication of Maledicta
13 has been delayed for another six months. I'm aiming for a publication date
of December 2000.
- If you don't have the complete set of the Maledicta
Monitor newsletter, now is the best time to order the timeless eight-issue
set, as long as supplies last. Original price was $16.00. Now available for
only $5.00 plus shipping: USA and Canada (First Class Mail) = $1.00 -- Europe,
Central and South America (Air Mail) = $2.00 -- Africa, Asia, Australia, New Zealand
(Air Mail) = $3.00. -- Come and get it! Don't be so cheap!
15 September 2000
- Updated and added material (British rip-off by a smart-ass) to The
- This may be the last update until Maledicta 13 is published in December
2000, fate willing. The shit keeps hitting the fan -- what can I do?
4 November 2000
- I have revised, standardized and prettified this entire site. The beige background,
which looked very pleasant at 256 colors, looked crappy at "millions of colors,"
as I found out three years too late. Thus, all but the pink "Ideal
Woman" and "Forgotten Felines" pages
are now white. The text color was changed to maroon, which is easier on the eye than
- Because of the different ways Web pages are displayed by various browsers, I
have changed all pages to a consistent format, showing all pages in a box 500 pixels
wide (7" or 18 cm).
- About a dozen pages linked to outside URLs are now also archived at this site
and reformatted to the new width. These are mainly on the "News
- Reviews - Interviews" page. Some of the original pages are poorly designed
by newspapers, who use 19- and 21-inch monitors and show no concern for those viewers
whose monitors are 12" to 15" and have to scroll back and forth to be able
to read the material.
- Finally, I have archived the five reviews and articles about Maledicta
by the Dutch journalist Ed Schilders, whose work appeared
in De Volkskrant, with a link back to the Dutch
24 December 2000
- The number 13 is indeed an unlucky number for me. The publication of Maledicta
13 has been delayed one more time, for the last time, to July 2001 or
later. Not enough subscribers, not enough money....
- I have added three seasonal images on the XXX-Mas
- Happy Holidays and all that ho-ho-ho stuff, and Best Wishes for the New Year.
21 January 2001
- Just when I thought that there was no feces left to hit the fan, fate flung more
dung: I'll have to move within two months, because my wonderful landlady died. $#it!
I'll try to find something around here, fickle fate willing.
- If this local Sonic site doesn't work after February, please use my mirror site
in Ireland (and bookmark it now). Also,
I have a "permanent" e-mail address for emergencies, if firstname.lastname@example.org
shouldn't work: email@example.com.
- In case you're wondering: Yes!, you can actually buy the books
and stuff listed on the Order Form. Now
that you know for sure, whip out your wallet and buy something! The more books
you buy, the fewer I'll have to move and store. You don't want me to die of
a heart attack carrying all those heavy boxes of books, do you? Okay, then buy
some already! :-)
18 March 2001
- No news -- good or bad -- about my housing situation. Until the shysters have
found every heir and the real-estate vultures descend on this house, I can stay,
probably two more months. But finding a new place is urgent, and saving the lives
of my cats even more so.
- My subtle appeal above to buy some books stirred exactly two (2) decent
people into action, and I'm grateful for their orders. Does anyone have a suggestion
of how to get the zillions of Internet freeloaders & cheapskates & penny
pinchers to buy a book or two, short of grabbing them by the balls and twisting
them till they part with $15 or $20?
- The well-known and beloved Dutch journalist and author Liesbeth Koenen just published
a heartwarming report about my current caca in the prestigious Dutch daily NRC
2 May 2001
- Still no good news about my housing situation. I can stay two more months, May
- Added a short German review of Hillary Clinton's
Pen Pal from Hanf! magazine.
- Thanks to a generous friend, my e-mail address <firstname.lastname@example.org> and my
Sonic URL will be valid through January
- Just for the hell of it, I added three pix to the Web site. The first is with
my friend George Carlin in 1986, the second with my
daughter Susan at her wedding at Lake Tahoe in June
1995, and the third shows Uncle Mal picking a Chinese dragon's
nose in March 2001.
- Please note new lower price of six books as
of today. C'mon, freeloaders, buy some!
1 July 2001
- Still no good news about my housing situation. Because of bickering among the
heirs, I can stay here another month, July, then I gotta hit the road. But where
- For your amusement, I've added a cartoon now circulating on the Net. It was published
in Maledicta years ago: the horny caterpillar.
2 August 2001
- No news, but still alive.
7 September 2001
- Finally good news! On September 15, my cats and I will be moving to a rural house
in Cotati, a hicktown 7 miles south of Santa Rosa named after an Indian chief. Maledicta's
mailing address, URL, and e-mail will remain the same.
14 October 2001
- The move to my new place went well. We're back in business. Lots of books for
The next page of Updates from January
2002 to December 2004 are here.
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