QUICKIES 8



Foulmouthed Hillary

"What the fuck is going on?" Hillary (the lying bitch) Clinton to a Secret Service agent, after she heard that a University of California-Berkeley student had written a satirical column about daughter Chelsea. In an earlier column in The Daily Californian, Guy Branum referred to the president as "Sexual Predator-in-Chief," which pissed off the Feds. They raided his apartment, Gestapo- and KGB-style. My kind of journalist! (San Francisco Chronicle, 26 Nov 1997: A1)


Well-Hung Hutchence

Lead singer Michael Hutchence (37) of the Australian rock band INXS ("in excess") committed suicide on 22 Nov 1997 in a Sydney hotel by hanging himself with his leather belt.

What was Michael Hutchence's last hit?
-- The door when the chamber maid entered the room.

What was Michael Hutchence's last drink?
-- A quick belt.

How do you reunite INXS?
-- Get four more leather belts.

Why did Michael Hutchence prefer staying at the Ritz Carlton when he was in Sydney?
-- Because it is a cool place to hang.

What do Michael Hutchence and INXS groupies have in common?
-- They just hang around near the hotel door.

What new song did Elton John just release?
-- "Dangling in the Wind."

What song did Elton John sing at Michael Hutchence's funeral?
-- A reworded version of "The Swing" by INXS.

Why didn't Michael Hutchence like to play golf?
-- Because he was too much of a choker.

Why did girlfriend Paula Yates love Michael Hutchence?
-- Because he was well hung.

Why is Paula Yates so upset about Michael?
-- While she was talking to him, he hung up on her.

What does INXS stand for?
-- I Need an eXtra Singer

What does "Hutchence" stand for?
-- Hanging Under The Chandelier Hastily Ends Next Concert Experience.

What's the difference between Michael Hutchence and Princess Diana?
-- Michael Hutchence was wearing a belt.

What will Gianni Versace and Michael Hutchence get for Christmas?
-- Frank Sinatra.


Another Dead Kennedy

Michael Kennedy, the 39-year-old son of the late Sen. Robert F. Kennedy, was killed on 31 December 1997 by skiing head-first into a tree on Aspen Mountain, Colorado. He hit the tree while videotaping the Kennedy clan playing football on skis with a Nerf (foam rubber) football. According to The Denver Post of 3 Jan 1998, an eyewitness said that the final minutes before the crash were "the most reckless behavior I've ever seen on skis" and "It was the worst time to be doing something like this. Everyone's tired, the snow is getting icy. The conditions alone scared me. It was the stupidest thing I've seen in a long time."

What's the difference between John and Michael Kennedy?
-- John F. Kennedy: Profiles in Courage. Michael Kennedy: Profile's in Wood.

How rich was Michael Kennedy?
-- Immensely. He had even a wood-paneled face.

Wasn't Michael Kennedy just a rich playboy who did nothing?
-- True, but in his final moments he made a big impression.

Was Michael Kennedy a man of character?
-- Yes. Even though he cheated on his wife and had sex with a 14-year-old babysitter, in the end, he didn't try to save face.

Did you hear about Michael's article in "Cosmo" magazine?
-- "Skiing Can Be Flattening to Your Face."

Why was Michael's estranged wife, Vicki, happy?
-- Because she finally got her Christmas present under the tree.

What was the last thing to go through Michael Kennedy's mind?
-- A branch.

What's the new motto of Kennedy haters?
Plant a tree -- Kill a Kennedy!

If a Kennedy hits a tree in the forest and no one is there to see it, does he make a sound?

Why is Michael Kennedy the idol of environmentalists?
-- Because he's the ultimate tree hugger.

From whom did Michael take skiing lessons?
-- From the same guy that gave his uncle Ted driving lessons.

What's the difference between a dog and Michael Kennedy?
-- A dog barks a lot and bites; Michael Kennedy bites a lot of bark.

What do Chris Farley and Michael Kennedy have in common?
-- They both died on white powder.

Where was William Kennedy Smith at the time of the accident?
-- At the tree next to Michael's, raping a knot hole.

Why don't the Kennedys make good boxers?
-- Because they can't take a shot to the head.

What's one good thing about Michael Kennedy's death?
-- His mother, Ethel, didn't have to buy a black dress.


Our Perjurious Philanderer-in-Chief

Ex-White House worker Kathleen Willey, 51, swore under oath last week that President Clinton pressed her for sex against her will in a room adjacent to the Oval Office, ABC News reported and sources confirmed. She swore that Clinton tried to kiss and fondle her in a "nonconsensual" way but stopped when she resisted. (Source: New York Post, 18 Jan 98) In February 1998, various news stories (also Michael Isikoff and Evan Thomas in Newsweek of 9 March 98) reported that Slick Willie grabbed Willey's tits, took her hand and pressed it against his erect 5" boomerang dick.

Monica Lewinsky, 23, has been sexually involved with President Clinton since she was a 21-year-old intern at the White House. She was a frequent visitor after midnight to the same room just off the Oval Office, where they had sex. She wrote long love letters to Clinton, and tapes of intimate phone conversations between the two lovers exist. (Source: Drudge Report, 18-19 Jan 98)

Several women have given sworn depositions to counter the perjuries of Clinton that as Governor of Arkansas or as President he had no sex with any other woman except Hillary. One woman [probably Jo Jenkins] has sworn that she was repeatedly brought into the Governor's Mansion in a trench coat and ball cap disguise, according to one legal source. Another sex partner was brought in a pickup truck to the Mansion. Clinton made one call to an Arkansas Power and Light employee [Jo Jenkins] at 2:00 a.m. that ran 158 minutes. (Source: Drudge Report, 16 Jan 98)

As Governor, Clinton had sex with Beth Coulson and later named her to the Arkansas Court of Appeals. He used cocaine during his sexual romps with Sally Perdue. (Source: Free Republic, 15 Jan 98). According to testimony by his half-brother Roger, Clinton "has a nose like a vacuum" when sniffing cocaine.

In 1996, President Clinton made a joke at a Connecticut fund-raiser about a recently discovered mummified young Inca woman. "You know, if I were a single man, I might ask that mummy out," Clinton said. "That's a good-looking mummy." Mike McCurry, one of Clinton's lying spinmeisters, privately told the President that, in view of his reputation, the remark had been unwise, but Clinton "snapped" at him. McCurry rode with the press home to Washington, and, after a cocktail, muttered, "Probably she does look good -- compared to the mummy he's been fucking." Reporters never printed the off-the-record remark until now. (Source: Drudge Report, 28 Feb 98)

David Brock, ex-American Spectator reporter: "From the back of his Lincoln, Bill Clinton would say about Paula Jones, 'What does that whore think she's doing to me?' He also referred to his ex-lover Gennifer Flowers as a 'fucking slut,' according to Arkansas state trooper Larry Patterson." (Source: Drudge Report, 9 March 98)


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