Every night I read several humor newsgroups to find the best for this site and
for Maledicta 13. It's painful having to read through the hundreds of posts
of which 98% are crap to find a few pearls for you. Jokes that we published in MAL
years ago or that have been around for decades are breathlessly posted as if they
were the newest. Most contributors can't spell (masterbate, alot, thier, intellegenc,
limmerics, and so forth). Others screw up the punchline. Still others have no sense
of timing and rhythm and thus ruin a good joke. Then there are the totally unfunny
schmucks and schmuckettes who think their unfunny stuff is hilarious -- these
are the most pitiable and pathetic ones. A good example follows.
A few hours after Andrew Cunanan killed Italian fashion designer Gianni Versace with
two bullets in the head, in Miami Beach on 15 July 1997, a fellow from the University
of Pennsylvania posted his "jokes" in two humor newsgroups. Just to demonstrate
what utterly unfunny crap is considered "humorous" by many of the mouth-breathing
morons who post their "jokes," I'm reproducing Stephen P.'s "jokes"
below. (If you're thinking of becoming a comedian, Stephen, don't quit your day job.
You're a witless, brainless, totally unfunny schmuck!)
Q: Why did Versace get killed?
A: There's no good answer for murder.
Q: What was the last thing Versace said before he died?
A: "I design expensive clothes."
Q: How many dead Versaces does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Versace was a fashion designer.
Q: Who's more fashionable, Versace or Armani?
Q: Who's more fashionable, Versace or Donna Karan?
A: Versace was killed outside his South Beach home.
Q: Who's the best living clothing designer?
A: Not Versace!
This garbage is supposed to be funny? What a pathetic asshole!
Following below is the first clever joke, a wordplay on "line" (thanks
to Jim B. and Ken P.), followed by new riddles from newsgroups.
What is Versace's latest line?
Why was Versace killed?
-- He wanted Cunanan to model for him and asked for two head shots.
How can you tell it's a genuine Gianni Versace blouse?
-- It has 6 holes but only 4 buttons.
What were Gianni Versace's last words?
-- "No, you can't have it with red buttons!"
Why did Cunanan shoot Versace?
-- Because Gianni was wearing plaids and stripes together.
How did Versace actually die?
-- He died of a heart attack when he saw that the red from his blood didn't go with
the rest of his ensemble.
What's the name of Gianni Versace's last shoe design?
-- 12-gage pumps.
What kind of fashion did Versace design?
-- Clothes to die for.
What did Versace's competitors say as he was lowered into the grave?
-- "That's the cleanest hole he's been in in years!"
What's the difference between K-mart shoppers and Cunanan?
-- K-mart shoppers think outfits by Italian designers suck; Cunanan likes to suck
What was Versace's favorite song?
-- "Hole in my Head" from Nirvana.
How can you tell that Andrew Cunanan was only half the man Gianni Versace was?
-- Because it took two bullets to kill Versace.
The Joys of Being an Honest Publisher
On 27 June 1997, Paul Blackford, a British journalist in Bangkok, sent me the
letter reproduced below. It was written in CAPS, which means he was screaming at
Background: On 4 April 1996, I received a check of $12.50 from him for Maledicta
11. The check was from the Thai Farmers' Bank in Thailand, brownish in color,
and made payable to himself. As I could not deposit this check, I wrote VOID
across it with thick indelible black ink, put it in MAL 11, and sent it to him in
a heat-sealed bubble envelope, trusting that he would send me a new check when he
got the book.
After he received MAL, he claimed that his voided check was not enclosed and implied
that I had cashed his uncashable check. I told him to check with his bank and have
them search whether that numbered check was ever cashed or deposited by anyone. He
has not done so but, instead, in further annoying letters, made insulting comments
that I was trying to tell him that someone unsealed the package (which can't be done,
as the plastic bubbles melt into an airtight seal), took out the voided check, then
resealed the package by remelting the plastic seal, and put the package back into
Later he sent $20 cash for MAL 11 and ordered MAL 12. I asked him to send another
$6.50 so that I could send him MAL 12, too. Another insulting letter followed, which
I don't need such aggravation and false accusations. As my readers have known for
20 years, I have credited or refunded every cent overpaid and have always
reported double and triple payments for the same book, which readers forget but my
impeccable database doesn't. I gave away more than 3,000 copies of MALs 11 and 12
to readers and libraries whose $28,000 advance subscription payments were stolen
from them and me by Judge Marianne Becker. Show me another publisher who would do
that! Thus, to be accused of dishonesty is the ultimate insult. Today I sent him
a refund check of $7.50 ($20 less 12.50 for MAL 11) and told him to get stuffed.
Here is this gentleman's letter, with my comments in blue interspersed within square
Dear Dr. Aman,
Well, another five months have passed & I still have not received my second (gratis)
MAL 12 so we must assume this has gone astray too. This is most odd as I've had no
problem with any other foreign publications I subscribe to. [Lucky
for him. I have to send all publications to India, Pakistan, Egypt and now Thailand
by registered mail only, as the locals steal everything. Even registered mail is
not safe for Bangladesh, where MAL has to be sent by diplomatic pouch to keep the
frigging natives from stealing it.] I'd never signed a cheque to myself by
mistake either until my dealings with you. [As said, the check
was signed by him and made payable to himself, which pissed me off, as more correspondence
was necessary.] Anyway, I have enclosed another cheque for $20 for MAL 12....
[Damned liar. There was no check enclosed with his latest insulting
Do you take me for a fool? [I have to, considering his conduct.]
From that slip you sent & an ad in Word Ways it is clear that MAL 12 was
never even printed because you received insufficient subscriptions. Thus all your
claims so far have plainly been dishonest & fraudulent. [Maledicta
12 was published and mailed on August 12-14, 1996, to some 1,800 subscribers,
as all of you know who've enjoyed it. To be accused of being dishonest & fraudulent
by someone who doesn't know the facts is one of the joys of being an honest publisher.]
I never believed that shit about making a cheque out to myself for MAL 11 which was,
as you would laughably have it, deftly removed from my MAL 11 packet despite your
having written "void" on it, the whole thing then being resealed &
returned to the Royal Thai mails. [See background info above.]
MAL might deal with insults but you would be well advised not to insult your readers'
intelligence. [How could I insult his intelligence if he doesn't
Instead of the nonexistent MAL 12 I demand a back issue - one of the 360 page ones
will do nicely [MAL 12 exists, and there is no 360-page volume.].
I hope you can appreciate the irony in the fact that if you hadn't tried to fuck
me around I would by now have ordered your entire backlist. [Thank
Goddess he didn't. I've had plenty of book packages stolen en route and replaced
them all free of charge, so that my clients would not accuse me of dishonesty and
fraud. It's expensive being honest and bending over backward!]
I am very angry about all this, especially since I plugged MAL in my column [Getting a plug in a Bangkok newspaper is as useful as having MAL
reviewed in "The Mongolian Mare Monthly"], & should warn you
in no uncertain terms [Oh, boy! Threatening me by mail! That's
a felony. Trust me, I know.] that if I do not receive the above I will be
writing to Verbatim, Word Ways [Waste of time;
Verbatim is no longer published, and both editors are long-time friends who
know me well.], your probation officer (citing mail fraud) [Now
he's getting nasty, siccing the fuckin' Feds on me!] & I will be posting
notices on the Internet about your business practices (a fellow columnist who writes
weekly about the WWW assures me this is very easy) [No need
to, I've just put it on the Net.]. Believe me in the above. You have two months
so I recommend air mail.
And he has two weeks to go fuck himself
or bang his kok in a Bangkok door.
Mr. Blackford, who must be a loony, returned my refund check of $7.50 airmailed
to him on 26 July 1997 in February 1998 with the comment that "it would have
bounced" and the threat, "You know you lie and this is far from over."
What goes "Clip clop, clip clop, clip clop, BANG! Clippy clop, clippy
clop, clippy clop, clippy clop"?
-- An Amish drive-by shooting.
What do German air force officers eat for breakfast?
How can you tell when a Jewish-American Princess has an orgasm?
-- When she says, "I gotta hang up now, mom."
How do you know you've had a good blowjob?
-- When you have to burp your sex partner to get your balls back.
Have you heard of Janet Reno's illness?
-- She's been diagnosed with prostate cancer.
Who was Janet Reno's father?
-- Adolf Schicklgruber.
Some Reasons Why Bill Gates Bought Apple
Shares for $150 Million
- Windows machine on his desk keeps crashing -- needs a Mac to run Eudora.
- The world is running out of things he doesn't own.
- Wanted to see what it's like to have software that is tested and debugged.
- Gotta keep the competition in the black to keep "those FTC bastards"
off his back.
- Felt owning a colorful rainbow logo would ease the shock of his upcoming coming
out of the closet.
- Needed to stuff birthday cards, thought Apple stock certificates would make great
- Sickeningly cute Earth Day celebration leaves him hating the Windows "recycle
bin," yearning for Apple's "trash can."
Why does Hillary Clinton converse with the spirit of Eleanor Roosevelt?
-- Because Eleanor was the only other icy lesbian First Lady.
What do you get when you cross Bill Clinton with a pit bull?
-- A beast that feels your pain as he's biting you.
Why hasn't Bill Clinton gotten involved in the UPS strike?
-- Because he has received major contributions from FedEx.
The man whom we know as Slick Willy
Groped a volunteer aide, Kathleen Willey.
Do you think we could posit
When they went in the closet
That Willy showed Willey his willy?
Editor's Note: Our sleazeball President, Bill ("Blow Me") Clinton,
on 29 Nov. 1993 kissed and fondled Kathleen Willey in his private hideaway off the
Oval Office. (More in "Quickies 8"). The same day, her husband, prominent
real estate lawyer Ed Willey, was found shot dead, allegedly a suicide.
How do you titillate an ocelot?
-- You oscillate its tits a lot.
Why do they call a pap smear a pap smear?
-- Because if they called it a "cunt scrape," no woman would have it done.
How does one German queer greet another?
-- "Good knobin'!" (Guten Abend!)
What is 2.5 inches wide, 6 inches long, has a big head on it, and drives women wild?
-- The new $100 bill.
Microsoft's Windows 95
The latest edition of Webster's Dictionary now has a new entry:
Windows 95 (noun): a 32-bit extension and a graphics shell for a 16-bit patch
to an 8-bit operating system originally coded for a 4-bit microprocessor, written
by a 2-bit company that can't stand 1 bit of competition. -- (Thanks, David B.)
At the introduction to the Versace jokes a while ago, I ranted against stupid people
who ruin a joke because they don't understand it. Here's an example:
The actual joke as published in
"Maledicta 6," Summer 1982, p. 6
As posted by a moron in humor newsgroups, August 1997
|Two fellows are walking down the street when they see a dog licking his dick. The
one says, "Damn! I wish I could do that!" His friend replies, "You
probably can. But you better first pat him on the head."
||two me were standing on the porch watching a dog lick his balls. one says to the
other "boy, i wish i could do that." the other says "that dog will
The Intensifiers "Fuck" and "Fucking" Used by Famous Folks
- "What the fuck was that?" Mayor of Hiroshima
- "Where did all them fucking Indians come from?" General Custer
- "That's not a real fucking gun." John Lennon
- "Who's gonna fucking find out?" Richard Nixon
- "Where the fuck is all this water coming from?" Captain of the
- "Let the fucking woman drive." Commander of the "Challenger"
- "Any fucking idiot could understand that." Albert Einstein
- "It does so fucking look like her!" Picasso
- "How the fuck did you work that out?" Pythagoras
- "You want what on the fucking ceiling?" Michelangelo
- "Why? Because it's fucking there!" Sir Edmund Hilary
- "I don't suppose it's gonna fucking rain?" Joan of Arc
- "Scattered fucking showers, my ass." Noah
- "I need this parade like I need a fucking hole in my head."
John F. Kennedy
- "I didn't fucking do it!" O.J. Simpson
- "Look at the size of this fucking gas bill!" Adolf Hitler
Did you know that the Marv Albert back-biting episode was all just a misunderstanding?
-- When Marv asked his girlfriend for a blowjob, she said, "Bite me!"
What did Bill Gates yell at his stock broker?
-- "You spent my $150 million on what!? I said Snapple!"
A lesbian stops at a whore house and knocks on the door.
The madam opens and asks, "How may I help you?"
The lesbian replies, "I would like a fifteen-year-old, please."
"I'm sorry, but we don't serve minors to lickers."
A hillbilly is in bed with his girl. After a hard night of fucking, the girl says,
"You know, Bill, people in town are talking about you."
"Really?" he says. "What are they saying?"
"They are saying you are an abhorrent pedophile."
"An abhorrent pedophile? Gol-ly! Them is mighty big words for an eight-year-old!"
God says to Adam, "I have some good news and some bad news."
Adam responds, "Well, tell me the good news first."
-- "All right, my son. The good news is I will give you both a brain and
"What's the bad news, o Lord?"
-- "I'm going to give you only enough blood to run just one at a time."
As promised earlier, here are some clever anti-male jokes supplied
A woman of 35 thinks of having children. What does a man of 35 think of?
-- Dating children.
How can you tell that soap operas are fictional?
-- In real life, men aren't affectionate out of bed.
Why is sleeping with a man like a soap opera?
-- Just when it's getting interesting, they're finished until next time.
How does a man show he's planning for the future?
-- He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
How was Colonel Sanders a typical male?
-- All he cared about was legs, breasts and thighs.
What's the difference between a singles bar and a circus?
-- At the circus the clowns don't talk.
Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?
-- Because breasts don't have eyes.
Some Reasons Why Computers Must Be Male
- Size does matter.
- Big power surges knock them out for the night.
- In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on.
- They must have their proper buttons pushed to begin the simplest task.
- They often fail to do their own garbage collection.
- They have a lot of data but are still clueless.
- They look attractive -- until you bring them home.
- They are either 1 or 0 (turned on or turned off) without any intermediate states.
Some Reasons Why Computers Must Be Female
- No one but their creator understands their internal logic.
- Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory.
- The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to anyone else.
- The message "bad command or file name" is about as informative as,
"If you don't know what is wrong, then I'm not going to tell you."
- As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.
(From Marianne v. B., with thanks.)
Dead Di & Dodi
Within hours of the news that Diana, Princess of Wales, had died on 31 Aug 1997
in a car crash in Paris, together with her scummy lover, Dodi al Fayed, and their
drunken chauffeur, the first jokes and comments appeared in the "alt.tasteless.jokes"
newsgroup. There is little sympathy for Di, Dodi and Prince Charles among the contributors
from the U.S. and U.K. One chap wrote: "That fag Prince Chuck and the bowzer
slag he's porking are more deserving of this fate than Di." (Slag = British
slang for 1: "dirty, slovenly, immoral woman" 2: "unattractive and
sexually active woman" 3: "whore"). Another: "Too bad the rest
of the royal leaches weren't in the back seat." Yet another writes sarcastically:
"What was a single mother doing gallivanting with a spoilt-brat philandering
playboy in Paris on a Saturday night? Why was she not reading bedtime stories to
her boys?" The riddles and jokes are of such ferocity and brutality as not seen
since the "Challenger" explosion. The very first riddle was:
What did the French doctors find in Diana's mouth?
-- The tip of an Egyptian penis.
What is Di now?
-- A crumpled crumpet. (Crumpet = British slang for "woman as a sexual
Why was Di killed?
-- It was the wrath of God, for her taking up with a wog. (Wog = British slang
for a dark-skinned person, such as an East Indian, Pakistani or Arab)
Who is the "Tasteless Photographer of the Year"?
-- The first paparazzo on the scene of Di's last drive.
Which was Di's favorite rock band?
-- "The Crash Test Dummies."
What's the best punishment for paparazzi?
-- To use them for live crash test dummies.
What did Bill Clinton say when he heard of Di's death?
-- "Goddamn it! The bitch died on me before I could screw her!"
Top Ten Reasons Why Princess Di Had to
I've been wondering about the tragic death of our future monarch's ex-incubator.
Pushing myself into a trance, I have channeled the spirit of Joseph Goebbels, who
suggested the following deeply sinister diabolical plots, any one of which might
be a complete and consistent explanation for Diana's death.
- She dissed Lizzie Saxe-Coburg Gotha once too often.
- With Diana safely dead, Charles can marry Camilla Parker-Bowles and be crowned
king without pissing off the Church of England.
- Diana was an accident -- the hit was a revenge attack by Jeremy Aitken intended
to piss off Mohamed al Fayed by killing his son Dodi.
- Dodi was an accident -- the hit was a revenge attack by Jeremy Aitken intended
to nail Diana for pissing on Astra PLC's landmine export business.
- Rupert Murdoch did it -- his media were running short on decent news stories.
- The paparazzi did it -- they wanted to boost the asking price of their last photographs.
- Mother Teresa of Calcutta did it -- Diana was making inroads in the saintliness
- The Mafia did it -- at the request of P2, whose holdings in the international
landmine export business were threatened by Diana's crusading.
- The Majestic-12 Committee ordered it -- Diana was quite obviously an alien and
Not To Be Trusted. (Landmines are good for you.)
- The A-Albionic Foundation did it -- it'll keep them in conspiracy theories for
the next decade or two.
How did Di stay so thin?
-- It was that crash diet.
Did you hear that Princess Di was on the radio yesterday?
-- Yes, and also on the dashboard and the steering wheel....
Who was the last guy to fuck Princess Di?
-- The doctor who turned off her life support machine.
Why will they have to cremate Princess Di?
-- Because she won't fit into the coffin -- they can't get her to keep her legs closed.
What's one good thing about Di's crash?
-- She won't have to worry about getting her legs blown off by land mines.
What were Princess Diana's last words to the paparazzi?
-- "Would you leave me alone already? I'm a bloody princess!"
What's the difference between the NFL and Princess Diana?
-- The NFL players did come out of the tunnel on Sunday.
What's the difference between Di and Dodi?
-- Di is as dead as Dodi, and Dodi is as dead as a dodo.
What did the French doctor say to Charles when he picked up the phone?
-- "Princess die."
What's worse than being chased by motor bikes?
-- Being driven by a drunk chauffeur.
What was the last thing that went through Dodi's mind?
-- The radiator.
Why is the tunnel's concrete pillar red?
-- Because it has dye on it.
What's the difference between Di alive and dead?
-- Alive she was full of life; now she's full of embalming fluid.
How did they get Princess Di's body out of the limo?
-- They used Royal Jelly.
Why didn't the airbag in the Mercedes-Benz function properly?
-- Because he was in the back seat fondling Di.
What were Di's and Dodi's plans for Saturday night?
-- To paint the town red.
What were Diana's last words to Dodi?
-- "You're bleeding on my new dress!"
What did Di yell at the French emergency team?
-- "Don't touch me! I'm a bloody princess!"
What's Burger King's new "Lady Di Combo"?
-- Egyptian sausage on an English muffin with ketchup and a bottle of Perrier.
Have you heard the new commercials after Lady Di's death?
-- "If she had been in a Volvo, she would still be alive."
-- "If you have to leave this world, do it with class in a Mercedes-Benz."
-- "Kawasaki: we kick the shit out of any Mercedes!"
Why did Di and Dodi drive through the tunnel?
-- To get to the other side.
What did a paparazzo say before chasing them on a motorcycle?
-- "I'd kill for a picture!"
What did Dodi tell the driver?
-- "Fuck the speed limit -- that's for poor people!"
Why did the chauffeur speed up to 120 mph?
-- He misunderstood Princess Di's moaning in the back seat, "Faster ... faster!"
How did Prince Charles react to the news of Di's accident?
-- He was all ears.
What did Prince Charles say when he saw the crumpled car?
-- "Well, that's the way the Mercedes bends."
What happens when you kiss a princess?
-- You get killed by a frog.
What's Lady Diana's new title?
-- The Lady in Red.
What was wrong with Di's driver?
-- He had a bad case of tunnel vision.
What did the French photographer ask Di as she was pulled from the wreck?
-- "What will you be wearing at your funeral?"
What does Lady Di have in common with George Burns?
-- They both died when they hit one hundred.
Versace, Diana, Elton John ... two down, one to go.
What changes did President Clinton make to get more media attention?
-- He makes Al Gore drive him in a Mercedes.
What will Bill Clinton give Hillary next Christmas?
-- A Mercedes-Benz with a French chauffeur. (R.A. original)
What will Diana be getting for Christmas?
-- The Queen Mother.
On 5 Sept 1997, Mother Teresa, another humanitarian like Lady Diana, died. There
won't be many jokes, though, as a heart attack of an 87-year-old is not shocking.
Now the Beauty and the Beast are united, wherever. Externally, Di was the Beauty
and Teresa the Beast; but internally, Mother Teresa was the Beauty and Diana the
Why was Mother Teresa's body displayed for a week?
-- To keep the flies off Calcutta's lepers for a while.
After decades of living among the crippled, sick and dying, Mother Teresa decided
to end her life by shooting herself through the heart. Not certain exactly where
her heart was located, she phoned a doctor and asked him for advice. He said it was
two inches below her left nipple. So Mother Teresa took a revolver, sat on a chair
-- and shot herself in the left thigh.
Why didn't Elton John do a version of "Candle in the Wind" for Mother Teresa?
-- Because he couldn't think of a word rhyming with "leprosy."
What's the name of the new Israeli Internet search engine?
- Singer Reginald Kenneth Dwight changed his name to Elton Hercules John.
- Albania's Mother Teresa was born Agnes Gonxha Bojaxhiu.
- Man Ho is the name of one of Al Gore's money-laundering Buddhist nuns,
as well as Versace murderer Andrew Cunanan's profession.
- Brutal, greedy and now-dead Joseph-Désiré Mobutu changed his name
to Mobutu Sese Seko Kuku Ngbendu wa za Banga meaning "The all-powerful
warrior who because of his endurance and inflexible will to win will go from conquest
to conquest leaving fire in his wake." Call him "Kuku" for short.