QUICKIES 6



Who was Mike Tyson's trainer?
-- Marv Albert.

Note for those who don't keep up with the news: On 12 Feb 97, enraged NBC sportscaster Marv Albert "allegedly" viciously bit a woman friend about 18 times on her back and then forced her to commit sodomy (blowjob) because she refused to bring another man to their hotel room for a bit of ménage à trois. -- On 28 June 97, boxer Mike Tyson viciously bit his opponent, Evander Holyfield, on both ears during the heavyweight fight in Las Vegas.

Why is Mike Tyson moving to Kansas?
-- So he can grow corn and chew all the ears he wants to.

What is Mike Tyson's favorite Shakespeare quote?
-- "Friends, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears."

What's the slogan of Mike Tyson's new Nike commercial?
-- "Just Chew It!"

Did you hear about the new Mike Tyson computer?
-- It has two bytes and no memory.

How does Mike Tyson differ from Metallica?
-- Metallica leaves a ringing in your ears. Tyson leaves your ear in a ring.

Who is Tyson's next opponent?
-- Lorena Bobbitt. Winner eats all. - (Thanks, Susan S. and David B.)



Why does Marv Albert want to quit his job at NBC?
-- Because there is too much backbiting in the office.

New Problems for Mike Tyson

  • Fight controversy may adversely affect his pro wrestling career.
  • Upcoming TV special with Martha Stewart in doubt.
  • Don King, fearing a loss of credibility, ups commission from 98 to 99%.
  • He's starting to make O.J. look respectable.
  • Kids really start to freak out whenever he tries to play "Got Your Nose!"
  • Has absolutely no idea how to handle his next opponent, Vinny "No Ears" Bottatucci.
  • Willing boxing opponents now down to Vincent van Gogh and J. Paul Getty, Jr.
  • Recurring fantasies about Ross Perot and Prince Charles.

(Thanks, David B. List condensed to best lines by R.A.)


What will Bill Clinton do after Hillary is dead?
-- Lay Flowers on her grave every chance he gets.


The Golden Years

I cannot see,
I cannot pee,
I cannot chew,
I cannot screw.
My memory shrinks,
My hearing stinks,
No sense of smell,
I look like hell.
My body's drooping,
Got trouble pooping.
The Golden Years have come at last --
The Golden Years can kiss my ass!


(Thanks, John McG.)


Why is getting a blowjob from Janet Reno like walking a tightrope?
-- For starters, you don't look down.

Why won't Janet Reno be invited to the Indy 500 next year?
-- Because they already have a Luyendyk.

Note: This year's auto race winner was Arie Luyendyk (pronounced Lyin' dike).



A man went into a café, where the waitress asked him what he wanted. "A quickie," he said.
She gave him a dirty look and asked him again. "I really want a quickie, ma'am," the man repeated. The waitress slapped his face and told him to get out.
As he was leaving, another diner said to him, "I think it's pronounced 'quiche'."

The American cartoonist John Callahan is the most brilliant and savage anti-politically-correct artist alive. He is doing with pictures what I have been doing with words since the mid-eighties: ridicule the hypocritical p.c. bullshitters and assholes in cacademia, in the media, in the business world, and in daily life who are perverting language and destroying thinking around the world.

In addition to Callahan's hilarious "The Flatulent Nun" shown to the right, you will find books as well as such pearls as "Look at the Ass on that Bitch" and many other wonderfully uninhibited cartoons on his web site honored with the "Maledicta Seal of Approval."
Farting Nun

Did you hear that Ellen DeGeneres almost drowned the other day?
-- They found her face down on Rikki Lake.

What do you get when you cross an unemployed hen with Ellen DeGeneres?
-- A couple of chicks that don't do dick.

What kind of running shoes does Ellen have?
-- They are called Dykes, have a 9-inch tongue, and come off with one finger.

What did Ellen say to Kathie Lee Gifford?
-- "Can I be Frank with you tonight?"

Note: On 1 May 97, Kathie's husband, ABC sportscaster and American sports hero Frank Gifford, was secretly filmed fondling a married ex-stewardess in a hotel room. (More details about Marv Albert and Frank Gifford are available in TIME magazine, 2 June 97: 87+89.)


Kathie Lee Gifford and Cyber Sluts: Raw Verbal Aggression

Like Martha Kostyra Stewart, Kathie Lee is either adored or despised by television viewers. A raw war of words has broken out among the friends and foes of Kathie Lee. On 3 July 97, Marnie (a Mensa member from Pennsylvania) attacked "The Queen of Diamonds" from New York, later joined by Sally, Cool and other characters. The following quotations (which were all in caps) are from the Guestbook of "Weekly News." (Note: This site was shut down around July 17th by the host.)

First, Marnie attacks "The Queen of Diamonds":

"You like that skanky piece of dog shit Kathie Lee Gifford? She is the stupidest piece of shit on the planet earth. I hate her friggin guts. If you like her I hate your frigggin guts too. If you like that ugly, smelly, pus infested maggot ridden piece of dog crap then you must die. Die bitch die die die."

Joe, an admirer of Kathie Lee, then rips into Marnie:

"Marnie knows the ropes, it seems. Wonder how many johns she has had. Don't sound like they have been very nice to her. Maybe we should have a pity party for her. Poor little Marnie. She needs a nice rich husband to take care of her. Oops, I forgot once a whore always a whore, and no good man out there wants a whore for a wife. No wonder you hate Kathie Lee, you can't love anyone 'till you love yourself, and you can't in no way love yourself. Your scum of the earth, Marnie! Even lower if thats possible."

Several days later, "The Queen of Diamonds" and Marnie are still at it, now in a separate Raunchy Talk Forum of the "Weekly News." (Note: This site was also shut down around July 17th, as it became too raunchy for the host.)

Marnie always writes in caps (signifying shouting), which annoys the Queen:

"MARNIE - Don't you know what the Caps Lock keys are for you dumb fuck?"

To which Marnie retorts, in caps of course:

"QUEEN OF DIPSHITS, YEAH I KNOW WHAT THE FUCKING CAP LOCK KEY IS FOR YOU SLIMEY DRIPPING COW CUNT. IT'S USED TO PISS OFF MENTAL MIDGETS LIKE YOU, FUCK FACE."

The Queen shoots back:

"I saw a porn movie with MARNIE in it. She let three guys stick their cocks in her asshole at the same time. She is a low life, trashy, filthy disease ridden whore. I hope she drops dead. What a nasty cum-guzzling whore."

Marnie answers, implying that the Queen is incontinent:

"QUEEN OF DEPENDS: EAT ME YOU IGNORANT PIECE OF ROTTING FLESH. YOU'RE JUST JEALOUS BECAUSE I'M BLESSED WITH BOTH HIGH INTELLIGENCE AND GOOD LOOKS WHILE YOU ARE AS DUMB AS DOG SHIT AND TWICE AS UGLY."

Later, after Marnie wishes that Kathie Lee were dead, an anonymous Kathie-hater joins:

"MARNIE, the only thing better than a dead Kathie Lee is a mortally-wounded Kathie Lee skewered on a fence post getting anally-reamed by Frank Gifford while Mike Tyson bites away chunks of her pasty flesh."

Frank reportedly asked his amour Suzen for anal sex, which she turned down.



A guy goes into a confessional and says to the priest, "Father, I'm 80 years old, married, and have four kids and 11 grandchildren. But last night I had an affair with two 18-year-old girls! I made love to both of them. Twice!"
    The priest says, "Well, my son, when was the last time you were at confession?"
"Never, Father. I'm Jewish."
"So, why are you telling me?"
"I'm telling everybody!"

The Five Toughest Questions Women Ask Men

1 - "What are you thinking?"
2 - "Do you love me?"
3 - "Do I look fat?"
4 - "Do you think she is prettier than me?"
5 - "What would you do if I died?"


What makes these questions so bad is that each one is guaranteed to explode into a major argument and/or divorce if the man does not answer properly, which is to say dishonestly.

1 - "What are you thinking?"

The proper answer to this question is, of course, "I'm sorry if I've been pensive, dear. I was just reflecting on what a warm, wonderful, caring, thoughtful, intelligent, beautiful woman you are and what a lucky guy I am to have met you." Obviously, this statement bears no resemblance whatsoever to what the guy was really thinking at the time, which was most likely one of five things:

  • Baseball
  • Football
  • How fat she is
  • How much prettier other females are than his wife
  • How he would spend the insurance money if she died.

The best answer to this stupid question comes from Al Bundy, of "Married With Children," who was asked it by his wife, Peg. "If I wanted you to know," Al said, "I'd be talking instead of thinking."

The other questions also have only one right answer but many wrong ones:

2 - "Do you love me?"

The correct answer to this question is, "Yes." For those guys who feel the need to be more elaborate, you may answer, "Yes, dear." Wrong answers include:

  • I suppose so.
  • Would it make you feel better if I said yes?
  • That depends on what you mean by "love."
  • Does it matter?
  • Who, me?

3 - "Do I look fat?"

The correct male response to this question is to state confidently and emphatically, "No, of course not!" and then quickly leave the room. Wrong answers include:

  • I wouldn't call you fat, but I wouldn't call you thin either.
  • Compared to what?
  • A little extra weight looks good on you.
  • I've seen fatter.
  • Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

4 - "Do you think she's prettier than me?"

The "she" in the question could be an ex-girlfriend, a passer-by you were staring at so hard that you almost caused a traffic accident, or an actress in a movie you just saw. In any case, the correct response is, "No, you are much prettier." Wrong answers include:

  • Not prettier, just pretty in a different way.
  • I don't know how one goes about rating such things.
  • Yes, but I bet you have a better personality.
  • Only in the sense that she's younger and thinner.
  • Could you repeat the question? I was thinking about your insurance policy.

5 - "What would you do if I died?"

Correct answer: "Dearest love, in the event of your untimely demise, life would cease to have meaning for me and I would perforce hurl myself under the front tires of the first Domino's Pizza truck that came my way."

This might be the stupidest question of the lot, as illustrated by the following exchange:

"Dear," says the wife, "what would you do if I died?"
-- "Why, dear, I would be extremely upset," answers the husband. "Why do you ask such a question?"
"Would you remarry?" perseveres the wife.
-- "No, of course not, dear," he says.
"Don't you like being married?"
-- "Of course I do, dear," he replies.
"Then why wouldn't you remarry?"
-- "All right," says the husband, "I'd remarry."
"You would?" asks the wife, looking vaguely hurt.
-- "Yes," says the husband.
"Would you sleep with her in our bed?" she asks after a long pause.
-- "Well, yes, I suppose I would," he replies.
"I see," says the wife indignantly. "And would you let her wear my clothes?"
-- "I suppose, if she wanted to," he answers.
"Really," she snaps icily. "And would you take down the pictures of me and replace them with pictures of her?"
-- "Yes, I guess that would be the correct thing to do."
"Is that so!?" shouts the wife, leaping to her feet. "And I suppose you'd let her play with my golf clubs too!"
-- "Well, of course not, my dear," he calms her. "She's left-handed."       (Thanks, John Mc.)



What do gynecologists and pizza delivery boys have in common?
-- They both can smell it but can't eat it.

Missed by the U.S. Newspaper Censors
Pattaya, the beach resort city that was the scene of one of the worst fires in Thailand's history (11 July 1997), is a prime destination for sex tourists, pedophiles, smugglers, hardened criminals and gangsters from Russia, Japan, the Middle East and Great Britain. Skinheads and tattooed gangsters drink and plot at the many open-air beer bars, such as "The Dogs' Bollocks." (Associated Press, 12 July 1997) -- Note: Bollocks is the U.K. equivalent of U.S. balls.

What has four legs and an arm?
-- A pitbull in a school playground.

What's a "Belgian kiss"?
-- It's like a French kiss, but it's half phlegmish.

A woman in a bar was eating chicken wings. All of a sudden she started to choke and turn blue. The bartender called for help, and two guys ran up to the woman. One pulled down his pants and got down on all fours. The second guy got behind him and started licking his ass. The woman was so disgusted by this sight that she puked up whatever was choking her. As the two fellows got up, the first one said, "I told you the hind-lick maneuver would work."

Why do East Indian women have that little red dot on their foreheads?
-- From their husbands poking them there with their forefingers, saying, "Why you so damn stupid?"

Why do Jehova's Witnesses have inverted nipples?
-- From people poking them in the chest, saying, "Get the fuck off my porch!"


A woman had twins and gave them up for adoption. One of them went to a family in Egypt and was named "Amal." The other went to a Spanish family who named him "Juan."
   Years later, Juan sent a picture of himself to his mom. Upon receiving the picture, she told her husband that she wished she also had a picture of Amal.
   Her husband replied, "But they are identical twins -- if you've seen Juan, you've seen Amal."

Why don't sharks attack black swimmers?
-- Because they mistake them for whale shit.

What's a "metallurgist"?
-- A man who can look at a platinum blonde and tell whether she is virgin metal or a common ore.

What's "6 . 9"?
-- Sixty-nine interrupted by a period.

Computerist's Prayer

Our Hard Drive
Which art internal,
Volume C by name.
Thy code be clean,
Thy fonts be seen
On screen as they are on paper.
Give us this day our documents,
And lead us not into fragmentation
But deliver us our data.
For Thine is the SCSI,
And the EISA, and the NuBus,
Forever and ever,
Amen



News Censorship I
The Associated Press published a photo on 14 July 1997 of Spaniards protesting the murder of councilman Miguel Angel Blanco by Basque terrorists. The photo shows a man holding up the newspaper Diario with the huge headline HIJOS DE PERRA, referring to the ETA terrorists. To protect sensitive Americans, the caption translates the Spanish as "Sons of a dog," instead of the honest "sons of bitches."

News Censorship II
In early June 1997, Chicago Bulls basketball star Dennis Rodman, upset by Salt Lake City fans, made derogatory remarks about the Mormons. All wire services and newspapers except Reuters practiced their usual chickenshit censorship by refusing to quote Rodman's words. With their silly "the (bleep) Mormons" and "the (expletive) Mormons," the newspapers left their readers to fill in the censored word. Did Rodman say "the goddamn Mormons," "the fucking Mormons," "the muthafuckin' Mormons," "the cocksucking Mormons" or what? Just as the infamous "expletive deleted" in the Watergate transcripts suggested a far more foulmouthed Nixon than was the case, by not even hinting with asterisks or hyphens what the word might be, the cowardly newspaper editors force their readers to fill in the blank with a word that may be much stronger than what Rodman actually said. The censored word will be revealed in Maledicta 13.

Lying Swine

Since the mid-1970s, liars have caused me much pain. This is the reason why I hate blatant liars with a passion. I hate all liars, whether I know them personally or not. Without shame, such revolting swine lie and deny and don't recall or have no specific recollection, even if under oath, as obvious as their lies are. Among such slap-in-the-face liars are the bastards and bitches of the legal persuasion I had to deal with; former university colleagues and administrative scum; lying fellow prisoners; all politicians; the professional governmental liars; the blatant, insulting liars Bill ("Wanna Fuck?") Clinton and his icy bitch Hillary, together with their scumbag lawyers and White House spokespersons; as well as the immoral televangelists who suck the last penny out of their stupid admirers and victims.

Robert Schuller

The Rev. Robert Schuller, Man of God & Arch-Bullshitter, now joins the ranks of despicable, insulting liars. His television show is the largest nationally syndicated program of its kind broadcast to some 20 million morons in more than 180 countries.

On 28 June 1997, during a flight from Los Angeles to New York, the 70-year-old Schuller roughed up and scuffled with a 35-year-old male flight attendant in a dispute over hanging up Schuller's clerical robe and his special request for fruit without cheese.

Now The Rev explains his boorish behavior: he was "just doing the work of God." "I am a hands-on person,'' he said during a Sunday sermon on his show 'Hour of Power.' "I bless. I hold. I hug. I'm a hands-on person, I learned that from Jesus Christ. I failed because one of my weapons, the hands-on approach, didn't work.''

Yeah, right. Bullshit! Goddamned liar! Schuller must think that everyone is as stupid and brainwashed as his suckers. One of his parishioners, Joqueta, felt that Schuller "was just trying to heal." "He's just trying to share the love of God and as he said he's just a person who touches and I think it was just a natural response to reach out his hand,'' she said.

Hey, Joqueta, hold, hug and heal this, you dumb cunt! What if that charlatan punched you and grabbed your ass and tits with his "hands-on-approach," would you still believe that Schuller was doing the work of God or yell "Sexual assault!"? (Associated Press, 7 July 1997)

Marv Albert

After Albert's "alleged" misdeeds of viciously biting a female friend some 18 times and forcing her to fellate his flesh-flute became public on 22 May 1997, Marv uttered the following insulting lie:

"I categorically deny these charges and intend to vigorously defend myself against these allegations,'' he said in a statement. "I am confident that I will be completely exonerated when these allegations are addressed in a public courtroom.'' (AP)

UPDATE - 27 Sept 97

Marv Albert, né Marvin Aufrichtig (a German-Jewish name meaning "sincere, candid, honest"), was anything but in his denials and lies prior to pleading guilty on 25 Sept 97 to the lesser charge of "assault and battery" (max. fine $2,500 and one year in jail), thereby avoiding the more serious charge of "forcible sodomy" (meaning fellatio and punishable with 5 years to life in the slammer).

His bullshitting and vicious lawyer, famous Roy Black (the scumbag who got William Kennedy Smith off the rape charge in 1991), tried, of course, to smear the character of the two women who testified that Albert had bitten them and demanded blowjobs. Roy Schwarz urged Albert to plead guilty after a second woman revealed Albert's bite & blowjob technique, and as one of Albert's former lovers of 15 years, "a raven-haired transvestite beauty," might testify and reveal more of Albert's kinkiness. But Black still had the chutzpah to state that Albert was the real victim -- can you believe this bullshitting shyster!? -- and that Marv had been raped by the media. I won't mention Albert's habit of three-way sex with another man or wearing women's panties and garter belts, because this deals with liars, not sex. (Associated Press and New York Post, 26 Sept 97)

    Why does Marv Albert like going to comedy clubs?
    -- Because he loves biting humor.

    What did Marv do when he got his pink slip from NBC?
    -- He put it on.

    What would shyster Johnny Cochran have told Albert's jury?
    -- "If the panties don't fit, you must acquit."

    What's the difference between Marv Albert and Sharon Stone?
    -- Marv wears panties.


Dan Rostenkowski


"I categorically deny these charges...." It seems we've heard this song before. When former Illinois Congressman Dan Rostenkowski was first charged with submitting false claims for congressional wages to ghost employees and stealing government postage stamps and office supplies furnished him for official government mailings, he used an almost identically-worded denial as Albert. These insulting boilerplate denials are, of course, drawn up by bullshitting, lying lawyers. "Rosty" was convicted and started his 17-month federal prison term on 22 July 1996. (AP)

Bill Clinton and Hillary Clinton

The most corrupt and shameless liars ever to occupy the White House. Enough said.

James Carville

Carville, the ugliest and most nasty-mouthed political spin-doctor alive, is a professional liar and shameless Clinton sycophant. This squinty-eyed freak looks like a cross between a Louisiana swamp monster and a bald-headed mongoloid.
    As a rule, ugly people either make up for their physical shortcoming by developing a charming, warm, altruistic personality -- or they curse their face and fate and become destructive, vicious monsters.
    Carville can't help that he looks like a frightening carnival freak, but he could stop being such a nasty, vicious, destructive liar. To give you a sampling of this professional liar's writing, I am quoting from his shameless sucking-up to our President in his "The Crucifixion of Hillary Rodham Clinton" (Texas Monthly, 2 June 1997):

"For more than four years, Hillary Rodham Clinton, a woman second only to my dear momma in saintliness, has been subjected to the most blistering barrage of malicious, mean-spirited, partisan, personal attacks ever launched upon a resident of the White House."

Look who's talking: the most malicious, mean-spirited, partisan snake slithering around the White House -- a piece of garbage that degraded Paula Jones as "trailer trash" just because she's a simple person. There has never been such an attack on the residents of the White House before because the previous residents were not such lying, corrupt, deceptive, justice-obstructing, law-breaking, perjurious trash as the Clintons. And if ever there was a momma who should have let her husband's ejaculate run down her leg instead of giving birth to a lying, vicious, ugly monster like Carville, it was his saintly momma.

"Even when the cameras are off -- especially when the cameras are off -- she is one of the sweetest and most generous women I've ever met."

Carville obviously needs heavy-duty anti-delusion medication. Considering what an incredibly vicious and ugly motherfucker he is, it's not surprising that he's never met a truly sweet woman. If Hillary (The Cunt) Clinton has just one iota of sweetness in her body, I'm the Pope.

"Not once did she yell. Not once did she ever insult another human being."

Contemptible liar! What about the times in Arkansas when Hillary yelled at her staff to raise the "fucking flag" at the Governor's mansion? Or all the insulting comments she has made about her detractors? Or the times she yelled at her cunt-chasing hubby and threw a lamp at him? Carville, you're so full of shit. Just shut the fuck up and slither under a rock, okay?

"She is understanding of family needs and commitments."

Yeah, right, "Ms. Family Values," of all people -- that bossy bitch running one of the most fucked-up, dysfunctional families in America!

"All the documents have been handed over. All the evidence has been weighed."

How does this lying bastard have the guts to state such garbage? "All the documents" except those shredded, destroyed, withheld from the prosecutors, or "lost." "All the evidence" except the evidence stonewalled or withheld from lead-ass Starr and his prosecutors. Does "all the evidence" include Bill Clinton's videotaped perjury where he lied about the meeting he attended to make sure that "Susan's loan" (of $300,000 for sexual favors) was approved by the Arkansas mafia? Carville, you suck!

Al Gore, the Lying Bore

Vice President Al Gore, whose boss is the biggest lying piece of garbage ever to occupy the White House, is not much better than Bubba. Gore lied about his rôle in making (illegal) fund-raising calls from the White House. In March he lied by claiming that he made fund-raising calls "on a few occasions." Now it has been documented that he made at least 86 calls from his White House office. (The New York Times, 27 Aug 1997)

This is the same Mr. Clean & Straight who in Chicago in December 1996 told his hypocritical tear-jerking story about his sister having died of smoking -- even though his own family grew tobacco and he accepted large donations from the tobacco lobby.

And, according to this double-talking bullshitter, the fund-raising event at the Los Angeles Buddhist temple which he attended was a "community outreach," not a "fund-raiser."

Mike McCurry and Bob Bennett - Clinton's Bullshitmeisters

"The IRS, and IRS solely, is the one that makes decisions about the enforcement of tax laws," said Clinton's press secretary Mike McCurry in response to the suggestion that someone in the White House might have had a hand in instigating an IRS audit of Paula Jones. Mrs. Jones and her husband Stephen (who earns $37,000 a year) were notified that the IRS would be going over their 1995 tax return within days of Mrs. Jones's rejection of a settlement offer in her sexual harassment complaint against the president." (The Washington Times, 16 Sept 1997).

Whore House weasel McCurry's statement is a slap in the face. It does not answer the question. But the White House press corps just sits there, drooling, unable to understand how they were just insulted, instead of telling that professional double-talker and bullshitter McCurry to knock it off. He and Bob Bennett, Clinton's personal $495-an-hour slimy pit bull lawyer, are shameless swine. The latter is a particularly vicious and nasty piece of garbage who not only glibly bullshits the media but who will destroy another person's reputation and life without any remorse.

More Whore House Lies and Amnesia

Professional amnesiac President Clinton "has no recollection" of a Democratic National Committee official making a blunt illegal pitch for money during a White House coffee. One of the Whore House lawyers uses the 'semantic argument' that the coffees were aimed at helping to raise funds but weren't fundraisers per se. (Dow Jones News, 17 Sept 1997)

On 27 Nov 1995, Clinton was asked to call August Busch IV, the vice president of Anheuser Busch, to request a $100,000 check, according to a call sheet given to the president. Two weeks later, Anheuser Busch contributed $100,000 to the Democratic National Committee, federal election records show. Clinton has said that he may have made such calls but that "he does not remember." (New York Times, 20 Sept 1997)

Making fund-raising calls on federal property is a violation of Section 607 of the Federal Criminal Code.

Hazel O'Leary - Globetrotting Lying Bitch

Johnny Chung stated that on 19 Oct 1995, he had been solicited for a $25,000 bribe in exchange for a meeting with then-Energy Secretary Hazel O'Leary and Chinese petrochemical industry executive Sheng Huaren. O'Leary denied the allegations and said in a statement that she expected to be vindicated by the investigation. (Reuters and FOX News Network, 19 Sept 1997) O'Leary is the shameless affirmative-action bitch who wasted millions of tax dollars with her extensive "fact-finding" trips around the world, accompanied by her huge staff and cronies.

Susan Thomases

New York lawyer Susan Thomases, confidante of arch-liar Hillary Clinton, lied so often and obviously under oath that she is ripe for some time in the slammer. That perjurious bitch lied about 184 times at the Senate Hearings, recalling and remembering virtually nothing but her name. Hillary had summoned Thomases from New York to the White House immediately after the murder of Vincent Foster and had a long discussion with her, but when questioned under oath, that ugly, repulsive, perjurious Thomases had absolutely no recollection of what the two lying bitches conspired and talked about. (Witnessed by myself on TV)

NEW

Excerpts from "Marv Albert's Got Nothin' On Bill Clinton"

The Washington Weekly
September 29, 1997

For many Clinton scandal watchers, Albert's predicament seemed eerily similar to the President's "Paula problem." Paula as in Paula Jones, the woman who says she was escorted up to Clinton's hotel room where, in short order, Clinton tried to coax her to perform oral sex by exposing himself. But there are other allegations against our rogue president even more similar to those which destroyed the sportscaster, though they've received surprisingly little attention thus far.

Award winning liberal journalist, Roger Morris, penned one of the better Clinton bios to come out last year, Partners in Power: The Clintons and their America. Morris's effort is perhaps the most comprehensive treatment of the ever metastasizing Clinton scandalabra yet put between hardcovers. Therein, Morris reports an incident which demonstrates that biting fetishes aren't limited to randy play-by-play announcers:

A young woman lawyer in Little Rock claimed that she was accosted by Clinton while he was attorney general and that when she recoiled, he forced himself on her, biting and bruising her. Deeply affected by the assault, the woman decided to keep it all quiet for the sake of her own hard-won career and that of her husband. When the husband later saw Clinton at the 1980 Democratic Convention, he delivered a warning. "If you ever approach her," he told the governor, "I'll kill you." Not even seeing fit to deny the incident, Bill Clinton sheepishly apologized and duly promised never to bother her again. (Partners in Power, page 238)

Actually, what Albert was accused of sounds a whole lot less alarming than this report about our president, considering that Albert had already been involved in a long term relationship with his victim -- and she, after all, expected their encounter to be sexual. Nonetheless, the prospect of further embarrassing testimony inspired Albert's defense team to cut their losses after a second woman corroborated the sodomy allegation, even confirming the announcer's affinity for intimate feminine attire. If it's any consolation to Mr. Albert, he not the only prominent American male who dresses for success at Victoria's Secret:

When a former Miss Arkansas, Sally Perdue, told of a four- month affair with Clinton that began not long after he returned to power in 1983, reports fixed on her colorful details of the governor parading around her apartment in one of her black nightgowns playing his saxaphone, using cocaine. (Partners in Power, page 442)

A Clinton rape? Bites and bruises? A negligee? Cocaine use? After passing along tidbits like these, now might be a good time to reiterate: Partners author, Roger Morris is most definitely not part of the mythical right wing conspiracy to get Bill Clinton. Before turning to investigative journalism, Morris worked for Lyndon Johnson and Walter Mondale. He resigned from Richard Nixon's NSC to protest the Vietnam war, after which Morris penned the scathing, though critically acclaimed, "Richard Milhous Nixon: The Rise of an American Politician." So the accounts of Clinton's Marv-Albert-like behavior, the biting, the forced sex, and the cross-dressing, would seem to be reliable, at least as relayed by such a credible writer.

Marv and Bill: separated at birth? Perhaps not quite. But as Mr. Albert's very public travails play out on the front pages, no doubt our president feels his pain. Maybe Clinton, great consoler that he is, will have Marv down to spend a night in the Lincoln bedroom, where they can compare, er ... notes.

Published in the Sept. 29, 1997 issue of The Washington Weekly. Copyright © 1997 by The Washington Weekly (http://www.federal.com). Reposting permitted with this message intact.
SOURCE: http://www.freerepublic.com/forum/a8777.htm



Legal Disclaimer: All opinions expressed above by the Editor are believed to be truthful and are intended for private recreational use or scholarly research only.

Goofy