QUICKIES 5

The Lord's Prayer Translated into Ebonics

Standard English
The Lord's Prayer

Ebonics
Big Daddy's Rap

Our Father, who art in heaven,
Hallowed be Thy name.
Thy Kingdom come,
Thy will be done
On earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
And forgive us our trespasses
As we forgive those who trespass against us.
And lead us not into temptation,
But deliver us from evil.
For Thine is the Kingdom, and the power, and the glory, forever and ever.
-- Amen
Yo, Big Daddy upstairs,
You be chillin,
So be yo hood.
You be sayin it, I be doin it
In this here hood and yo's.
Gimme some eats,
And cut me some slack,
Sos I be doin it to dem dat diss me.
Don't be pushing me into no jive,
And keep dem Crips away.
'Cause you always be da Man.

-- Aaa-mén

A woman and her boyfriend are in bed. She says, "Stick a finger in my pussy." He does. She then says, "Stick your hand in it." He sticks his whole hand in it. Then the woman asks him to stick both hands into her vagina, and he complies. "Now, lover-boy," she says, "clap your hands."
-- "I can't, honey!"
-- "Tight, eh?"


Nun's Delight

Nun's Delight



What's the difference between a prostitute, a mistress, and a wife?
-- Prostitute: "That'll be $100."
-- Mistress: "Do you have to go already?"
-- Wife: "Beige . . . we really ought to paint the ceiling beige."

John V. sent another version heard about 12 years ago in San Diego:

What's the difference between a prostitute, a nymphomaniac, and a wife?
-- The prostitute says: "Aren't you done yet?"
-- The nympho says: "Are you done already?"
-- The wife says: "Beige . . . I think I'll paint the ceiling beige."



The Seven Dwarfs are visiting the Pope. Dopey asks him, "Are there any dwarf nuns in Rome?"
The Pope replies, "No, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Rome."
"How about in Italy?" asks Dopey.
"Sorry, Dopey, none that I know of."
"Well, are there any dwarf nuns in the whole world?"
"No, Dopey, none in the whole world," says the Pontiff.
The other six dwarfs start laughing and chanting, "Dopey fucked a penguin! Dopey fucked a penguin!"


What did the banana say to the vibrator?
-- "What the hell are you shaking for? I'm the one she's going to eat."


Pinocchio's girlfriend kept complaining about their less-than-satisfying sex life. "I keep getting slivers," she confided to her friends. Pinocchio finally got fed up and went to see his maker. "Geppetto, my man, I can't satisfy my girlfriend sexually. She keeps getting slivers in her pussy. Can you help me out?"
"Why, yes, I can!" exclaimed Geppetto and gave Pinocchio some sandpaper. "This ought to take care of it."
A few weeks later, Geppetto ran into Pinocchio. "How's it going with the girlfriend?" he asked.
"Girlfriend? Who needs a girlfriend when you got sandpaper?"


What's the difference between driving in the fog and doing 69?
-- When doing 69, you can see that asshole in front of you.

Mother's Day Special Edition!

M  is for the Massive guilt she gave me.
O  is for the Outbursts that she had.
T  is for her Total domination.
H  is How she drove out dear old dad.
E  is for the Eunuch that she made me.
R  is my Respect she stripped away.

Put them all together, they spell MOTHER --
The reason I'm so fucked-up today!



You Get What You Pay For

One day in the Garden of Eden, Adam calls out to God, "Lord, I have a problem!"
-- "What's the problem, Adam?"
-- "Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals, but I'm just not happy."
-- "Why is that, Adam?", comes the reply from above.
-- "Lord, I am lonely."
-- "Well, Adam, in that case I have the perfect solution. I shall create a woman for you."
-- "What's a 'woman,' Lord?"
-- "This woman will be the most intelligent, sensitive, caring, and beautiful creature I have ever created. She will be so intelligent that she can figure out what you want before you want it. She will be so sensitive and caring that she will know your every mood and how to make you happy. Her beauty will rival that of the heavens and earth. She will unquestioningly care for your every need and desire. She will be the perfect companion for you."
-- "Sounds great," says Adam.
-- "She will be, but this is going to cost you, Adam."
-- "How much will this woman cost me, Lord?"
-- "She'll cost you your right arm, your right leg, an eye, an ear, and your left testicle."
Adam ponders this proposition for a long time and finally says, "That's a lot of body parts, Lord. Uh, what can I get for a rib?"
The rest, as they say, is history.

(Thanks, Cyndi J. and David B. Condensed by R.A.)


Why did God make man first?
-- Because he didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.

What's the worst part of getting a sex change from male to female?
-- When they remove half the brain.

Why do men fart more than women?
-- Because women won't shut up long enough to build up pressure.

Women are like guns: keep one around long enough and your going to want to shoot it.

Do you know what it means when you come home to a little affection, a little tenderness, and a little sympathy?
-- It means you're in the wrong house.

Why are women like laxatives?
-- Because they irritate the shit out of you.

What's the most intelligent thing ever to come out of a woman's mouth?
-- Albert Einstein's dick.

Have you heard of the new all-woman delivery company?
-- It's called UPMS. They deliver your package when they damn well feel like it!

How many women with PMS does it take to change a lightbulb?
-- Eight. Because it just does, all right!?

According to Colin Forster, PMS is called PMT in the United Kingdom, short for pre-menstrual tension.


A man in a cemetery is putting flowers on three graves. Touched by this gesture of love, a stranger asks him whether they were his relatives. "Yes, they are my three wives."
-- "Poor man! How did they die?"
-- "The first one died of poisoned mushroom soup. This one too. The last died of a broken skull."
-- "How horrible! If I may ask, sir, how did that happen?"
-- "She wouldn't eat the goddamn soup!"


If the dove is the bird of peace, what is the bird of true love?
-- The swallow.

What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife?
-- 45 pounds.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
-- 45 minutes.

How can you tell if your wife is dead?
-- The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.

How can you tell if your husband is dead?
-- The sex is the same but you get the remote control.

What is it when a man talks nasty to a woman?
-- Sexual harassment.

What is it when a woman talks nasty to a man?
-- $3.99 a minute.


The police are at Jeffrey Dahmer's Milwaukee apartment, searching the place. A rookie cop opens the fridge and sees a pizza covered with human noses. As he is throwing up, a veteran cop asks him, "What's the matter, Tony? Haven't you ever seen a Dahmer-Nose pizza before?"


What does Hillary Clinton do in the morning after she shaves her pussy?
-- She puts a tie on him and sends him to the Oval Office.

What's black, crispy and hangs from a chandelier?
-- A Polish electrician.

What did the Jewish child molester say?
-- "Hey, little girl! Wanna buy some candy?"

Why do Jewish mothers make such good parole officers?
-- Because they never let anyone finish a sentence.

What is the middle name of Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson?
-- "Where be da camera?"

Have you heard of the newest plan to find missing gays?
-- They are going to put "Have You Seen Me?" ads on cans of Crisco, with photos of the back of their heads.


American Negroes want to claim golf champion Tiger Woods for themselves, as the hero who broke another color barrier for the blacks. But Woods describes himself as a "Cablinasian." This term combines the four racial groups in his blood: Caucasian, Black, American Indian, and Asian.

If Tiger Woods's mother is Thai and his father is black, does this make him a tycoon?


Castrating Chickenshit Editors

Matt Drudge, who puts together his outstanding website for newshounds, the "Drudge Report," summarized on April 11, 1997, how various editors handled the word "chickenshit." A day earlier, House Majority Whip Tom DeLay (R-Texas) and Rep. David Obey (D-Wisconsin) had an exchange of words on the House floor. Here is a summary, with my comments in square brackets:

Boston Globe: During a debate on campaign finance, DeLay "erupted" as Obey displayed "an article from two years ago alleging that lobbyists had written legislation in DeLay's office." DeLay: "That's chicken shit." -- [Bravo, editor! Thanks for being honest!]

Washington Times: Obey raced over to DeLay and "poked a finger at him." DeLay then "shoved him back with both hands and could be heard in the gallery saying 'gutless chickenshit'." -- [Bravo, editor! Thanks for being honest!]

Roll Call: Quotes Obey, who says DeLay "poked me in the chest and called me a lying chicken-shit." -- [Bravo, editor! Thanks for being honest!]

Los Angeles Times: DeLay "directed a profanity" -- [Gutless editor! This leaves the readers uninformed.]

New York Times: "chicken droppings" -- [Gutless editor! Falsifying information! Lying to the readers!]

Philadelphia Inquirer: "chicken s-t" -- [Acceptable, as the readers can reconstruct the word shit.]

Wall Street Journal: "chicken (expletive)!" -- [Gutless editor! Was it chicken fucker? Chicken shit?]

USA Today: "chicken-." -- [Gutless editor! What's the suppressed word? Ass? Shit? Fucker?]

Washington Post: The two "engaged in animated discussion." -- [Gutless editor! Despicable coward!]


The gutless chickenshit editor of the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel quoted Obey: "He put his finger firmly in my chest -- twice -- and said, 'You're a gutless chicken (expletive).' "

I have railed against such language castrations and dishonesty by gutless editors for years in Maledicta and the Monitor. It is a disgrace to see our "respected" major newspapers acting like hicktown rags whose editors worry about upsetting old ladies of either sex. Readers from other countries can't believe what silly little minds are running our media. Some papers are known for their prudery, such as The New York Times and the Milwaukee Urinal, with the Los Angeles Times not far behind. The Washington Post has become even more gutless than the N.Y. Times. The San Francisco Chronicle adopted a new policy in 1993 or 1994 to suppress even the hints it formerly gave to the readers (sh-t or a--hole) by either omitting "offensive" words or using "cute" equivalents, such as "Spaldings" (a trade name for sports equipment) for "balls." TIME magazine uses underscores -- such gutless a___________!


After Pulitzer Prize-winning columnist Mike Royko died on April 29, the Associated Press quoted his long-time Chicago colleague, Irv Kupcinet, of the Sun-Times: "He expressed his mind without fear and did so no matter who he crossed and who he hurt." Nice job, Irv!

Mike Royko and I have/had a lot in common, I've been told many times, but we were not friends. See my "Open Letter" to him in Maledicta 10, pp. 243-244. -- R.I.P., brave fellow curmudgeon!

But you, Irv Kupcinet, you are a disgrace to journalism and spoil our memory of Royko with your illiterate English: it's "whom he crossed and whom he hurt," you schmuck!

Response to the Anti-women Riddles and Jokes
in the Preceding "Mother's Day Special Edition"

Marie wrote: "The woman-bashing jokes were quite enjoyable. I think that type of humor is actually healthy. It allows the sexes to vent their frustrations towards each other. I think that part what makes them so funny is being able to see yourself or your significant other in them. I know that I saw myself in a few of them. Some women are just so super-sensitive to that type of stuff. Why can't they just realize that they are like that?"

   As an aside, I predict that Marie will have a long and happy marriage, not only from the above but from another message: "When my husband is having a day of serious gastrointestinal distress I like to call him Trumpet Butt; and both times, during the last few months of pregnancy he dubbed me Moby Bitch, which pretty well sums up both my physical and psychological states at the time."



Anti-male Joke and Riddles
Submitted by a female viewer and analyzed by R.A.

Exchange between a teenage male heckler and a lesbian comedienne:
Teen: "Do you really think you can satisfy a woman more than I can?"
Comedienne: "You're sixteen and wear braces. What do you think?"

What's ten inches long and white?
-- Nothing.

Comment: This is actually an anti-whitey joke by blacks (first featured in Maledicta 7 [1983], p. 177), not a true anti-male riddle.

What's the difference between a golf ball and a G-spot?
-- A man will spend half an hour looking for a golf ball.

Comment: Not bad; deriding lazy wham-bam-thank-you-ma'am males.

Why do women fake orgasms?
-- Because men fake foreplay.

Comment: At first view, a clever tit-for-tat (or tit-for-twat), yet logically unsound. A woman can fake orgasm, but a man cannot fake foreplay: either he spends five to 30 minutes or more nuzzling her neck and other erogenous body parts in pre-penetration dilly-dallying, or he doesn't.

Why are women so bad at parallel parking?
-- From always being told that this   |-----------------------------------------------|   is ten inches.

Comment: Touché! Excellent, based on facts, and a slap at guys who exaggerate the length of their dicks. -- If I may digress: I do the opposite by warning a prospective copulatrix that I'm hung like a hamster, only 3 inches (7.62 cm). If she still wants me and later sees the real thang, she squeals with delight.


These are just the first examples of anti-male riddles submitted by a woman. Her guest editorship announced earlier did not materialize for various reasons. I invite more submissions of true anti-male wit, but not of converted "stupid" jokes that are used against various ethnic and racial groups and blondes.


Angry Females
Let's not forget that bashing the other sex is not done by males only. If you search the Net, you'll find extremely vicious anti-male web sites by hate-filled, bitter, castration-hungry females in the U.S., Great Britain and Germany, for example. There are also plenty of anti-male publications, especially zines. Here are a few titles from the latest Factsheet 5 #61 (April 1997), pp. 104-106: Angry Young Woman, Bitch, Bitter Critter, Drop Dead: The Zine of Lesbian Battering, Fuckability:0, Hag Rag, and Motherfuckin' Tittysuckin' Two-Balled Bitch.


Angry Negress Rights Real Good
The fellow who runs the hateful "White Power" web site receives much hateful e-mail, mainly from Negroes and Jews. Below follows a letter to him from a "respetable" female at the University of Southern California, reproduced verbatim. She does not indicate whether she's a student or a professor in the African-American Studies Department.

Dear honkies,
being an educatid respetable black female I find myself asking why I should even waste my time righting to your ignant inbred, trashy mutha phucking asses. You guys are nothing in this suciety except someone to go on talk shows and to be laughed at and ridiquled. What you need to do is go back to school and get more than 8th grade education and maybe you would realize how fucking stupit you really are. doesnt it really piss you off that you are the minority in this country? And just think its only going to get worse.
   Soon there wont be a master race because everyone will be mixed. even your little fucking cracker ass children will be marrying and fucking out of your arian race because they will have more intellgence and self respect than their own parents. I can understand why you are jealis of african american people though. Us women have the curly hair your stringy haird wives try and copy with rollers and the golden skin they lay in tanning beds to attain. And of course when it comes to men, well anyone knows how inferyor you are. and its not just the size, you just dont know what to do. I guess its because your used to fucking your hand, relatives, or any fucking farm animal that will do.


Enraged Wall Street Negroes
Shawn Collins, editor of Velocity NYC e-zine, reports in his issue No. 6 (1997) what happened to some white folks in New York City who e-mailed one racist joke or "Hooked on Ebonics" (see Quickies 3). At Morgan Stanley & Co. on Wall Street, their forwarded messages left a trail on the firm's network hard drive. Two black fellow employees, analysts Yolonda Owens and Edward Hutton, saw the joke and promptly filed a $30 million lawsuit contending that white co-workers traded "vile, racist E-mail." As a result of the lawsuit, all employees who had forwarded the message were suspended without pay.

Update from the Associated Press, 18 July 1997: U.S. District Court Judge Denise Cote in New York dismissed the $30 million lawsuit against the Wall Street firm, finding that a single racist e-mail message shared among white workers does not create a hostile work environment for the two black analysts.

Not to be outdone, "enraged black workers" at the Wall Street offices of Citibank filed a similar lawsuit. Upon announcement of this lawsuit, Citibank announced that three employees and one former employee were being investigated, and one of the three current workers is expected to be fired. After checking the network hard drive to trace the forwarded messages, it was revealed that eight vice presidents, three assistant vice presidents and ten lower-level workers had also sent or received the Ebonics e-mail.

Winky by Big Dave
"Winky" created by Big Dave

Remember this nudge to whip out your wallet and order the Monitor?
"Have you ordered the Maledicta Monitor? Only 300 copies left.

That was over 5,000 hits ago. Two readers actually bought the Monitor! This unexpected influx of $20 almost made me delirious with delight -- I went to Burger King to celebrate and ordered double cheese, blowing 30¢ just like that!


What did they call Frank Sinatra when he had his recent heart attack?
-- "Old Blue Lips."

Why isn't Euro Disney doing too well?
-- Because every night when they set off the fireworks, the French want to surrender.

What do you call a lesbian dinosaur?
-- Lickalotapuss.

What do you call a gay dinosaur?
-- Megasoreass.

If a pair of gays and a pair of lesbians are traveling to San Francisco, which pair get there first?
-- The lesbians, because they leave lickety split while the gays are still packing shit.

What does Bill say to Hillary after having sex?
-- "Honey, I'll be home in 20 minutes."

What did Hillary say to her new black body guard?
-- "Give me ten inches and make it hurt!"
So what did he do?
-- He fucked her twice and hit her with his belt.

What do you call a white man surrounded by Indians?
-- "Hey, bartender!"

What do you call an Indian surrounded by white men?
-- "Croupier!"

What do you call a lawyer with an I.Q. of 50?
-- "Your Honor."

Beggar to old Jewish lady: "Ma'am, I haven't eaten in four days!" -- "So force yourself!"

How did Willie Nelson get hit by a car?
-- He was playing on the road again.

(Editor's Note: The German title of Nelson's song "On the Road Again" is "Auf der Autobahn" [On the Autobahn], one of the dumbest translations I have seen.)


Another dumb translation of sorts: In the movie "The Exorcist" is a very pivotal scene in which the lead actress (Linda Blair) demonically announces, "Your mother sucks cocks in hell!" When the film was edited for TV, the censors could not cut the scene, so they replaced her line with, "Your mother sews socks that smell!" (Thanks, Marie.)

Correction:
The actress who spoke the words actually was Mercedes McCambridge, and the movie's utterance was euphemized to "Your mother still rots in Hell!" for the TV version. The line "Your mother sews socks that smell!" was used in a "Saturday Night Live" sketch with Richard Pryor. (Thanks, Coop.)


Goofy