Speaking of Sexual Predators...
Do you know why Bill Clinton became President of the United States?
-- Because his dick wasn't big enough to be a porn star.
The earlier riddle in "Quickies 2" just got a clever twist (hand --> gland):
How can you tell when it's bedtime at Michael Jackson's home?
There are plenty of web sites that offer jokes; for this reason I won't duplicate them here. But, just for the hell of it, here is one that meets my elitist standards of wordplay (pared down):
Lady Di and Dolly Parton die on the same day. They appear before St. Peter to find out if they'll be admitted to Heaven. Unfortunately, there's only one space left, so St. Peter must decide who'll get in.
He asks Dolly if there's some particular reason why she should get in. She takes off her blouse and says, "Look at these! They're the most perfect ones God ever created, and I'm sure it will please Him to be able to see them every day for all eternity."
St. Peter then asks Di the same question. She drops her skirt and panties, takes a bottle of Perrier out of her purse, shakes it up, and douches with it. "Okay, Di," decides St. Peter, "you may go in."
Dolly is outraged and screams, "What was that all about? I show you two of God's best creations, but Di performs a disgusting act and she gets in!?"
"Sorry, Dolly, but a royal flush beats a pair any day."
What do you call a lesbian opera singer?
-- A muff diva.
A man calls his boss, telling him he can't come to work because he's sick. -- "How sick are you?" asks the boss. -- "Very sick, sir. I'm in bed with my daughter."
Two sperms are swimming really hard. One asks, "Are we almost at the uterus?"
"Nah," says the other, "we just passed the tonsils."
Why does it take 100 million sperms to fertilize one egg?
A woman shaking all over walks into an adult boutique. She goes to the clerk and asks him, "D-D-Do y-y-you sell t-t-ten-inch v-v-v-ibrators?" -- "Why, yes, we do, ma'am." -- "A-A-Are they ma-ma-made by ACME Nov-nov-elties?" The clerk answers, "Yes, that's our top-selling model." -- "Well," she says, "how d-d-do you t-t-turn the d-d-damn thing off?"
Why do women skydivers wear tampons when they jump?
-- So they don't whistle on the way down.
For Heaven's (Gate) Sake!
Around March 26, 1997, 39 men and women -- all members of the "Heaven's Gate" cult -- committed suicide in Rancho Santa Fe near San Diego, California. A very sad event, but fodder for the media vultures and the quipsters. A few hours after the shocking news was announced, jokes and riddles appeared in the newsgroups, and in less than ten hours a clever spoof of the Heaven's Gate "Higher Source" web site appeared on the Net at http://www.highersource.org/. This artistic and witty site is a must-see. Many hundreds of viewers have already entered praise of the site, funny comments about the cultists, or condemnations of the web-bashing media in the Guestbook and the Forum.
Only a few of the messages in the Guestbook are negative, such as "You ought to be ashamed of yourselves" - "You're sick" - "I'm disgusted" - "How mature" - "How dare you make fun of a tragedy." This is the same kind of criticism Maledicta has been getting for 20 years, especially after starting the "Kakologia" section with "tasteless" jokes and riddles. These dimwits don't understand that joking about tragedies is a psychological coping mechanism, a way of releasing our anxieties and fears of death and the unknown.
To vent my anger at such dolts and the media who just love such tragedies, I added the following comment in the Guestbook on March 29:
For me, the most perturbing aspect of this event is not that 39 people committed suicide with their leader but the incredible twist of fate that Applewhite ("Do") met his fellow fanatic, nurse "Ti." Married-with-children Marshall Applewhite had entered a hospital to battle his homosexuality. Of all the hospitals in the USA, he had to choose the one he did. And of all the nurses in that hospital, he had to meet that nurse. Fate? Predestination? If these two had never met -- a confused, vulnerable man and a twisted, manipulative woman -- there would have been no Heaven's Gate cult and no followers who committed suicide....
The jokes and riddles deal mainly with the more unusual aspects of this tragedy: their computer work, comet Hale-Bopp, castration, Nike sneakers, five-dollar bills and quarters in the pockets of the dead, purple shrouds, packed suitcases, calling their bodies "containers" and "vehicles," and similarities with the 1978 mass suicide in Jonestown, Guyana. An unknown quick wit even wrote a parody of "The Night before Christmas" (below), and another parodied the "Ghost Riders in the Sky" song.
Nike's "Just Do It!" slogan and their "Swoosh" symbol (looking like a comet) are also satirized. The shoe manufacturer is not happy with the publicity, as a spokesperson whined. But a greedy outfit like Nike that pays slave-laboring teenagers and young women in Vietnam 20¢ an hour to produce shoes for $2 and then sells them for $160 deserves all the slamming it gets.
Naturally, TV and newspapers immediately found "experts" -- publicity-hungry university professors, as usual -- to comment on the event. They appeared jubilant about the (wrong) first reports that 39 males, all between 18 and 24 years of age, were members of this cult, as it fit their theories. Unfortunately for those egg-on-their-faces "experts," 34 of these 39 cult members were in their 40s and 50s or older, and the youngest was 26.
As Reuters and the Fox News Network reported on March 29, Ted Turner, "The Mouth of the South," called the mass suicide "a good way to get rid of a few nuts." "There are too many nuts running around anyway, right?" Turner told reporters in Atlanta. "Well, they did it peacefully. At least they didn't do like these S.O.B.s that go to McDonald's or post offices and shoot a lot of innocent people and then shoot themselves. At least they went out and just did it to themselves." -- Ted Turner, whose wife Jane Fonda got him by the balls, is an insensitive lout. The 39 cultists were not dangerous. Personally, I'd rather see a bunch of vicious lawyers and judges commit suicide -- and I have urged some of them to do so -- to make this world a better place.
The folks maintaining the parody site are keeping track of who writes about them. In their "Media Links" (Scrapbook), they list more than a dozen reports about their spoof, including in the New York Times, Washington Post, USA Today, Miami Herald, Irish Times, MSNBC, c/net News -- and Maledicta.
Following below are the best of the riddles I found on the Internet, most of which I improved by rephrasing and corrected spelling. I added three of my own.
Why did the Heaven's Gate members commit suicide?
Why did some female cult members wear two plastic bags?
What did the checkout lady at the grocery store ask the cult members?
What was the cult members' favorite household cleanser?
What do the 39 have in common with Mr. Clean?
Why were the cult members especially disappointed?
Why did the members really commit suicide?
Why did the cult members take along quarters?
Why were the Heaven's Gate cultists carrying quarters when they died?
What was the $5.75 in the cultists' pockets for?
What was the cult's slogan?
What's Nike's new slogan?
Why were the 39 really pissed off?
Why did many of the cult members castrate themselves?
Top 13 Reasons Why the 39 Programmers Committed Suicide
13. They were AOL subscribers.
The True Story, As Told by the 40th Member, Who Survived
' Twas the night before departure, and all through the house
Why didn't the Heaven's Gate cultists use guns to kill themselves?
Why did the men of the cult agree to the suicide?
What computer operating system did the Heaven's Gate cultists
Was Marshall Applewhite nuts?
What do you put on the toes of dead Web designers?
Why did the Heaven's Gate cultists die from asphyxiation?
What did the owner of the million-dollar mansion shout when
he heard of the mass suicide?
What did the Heaven's Gate cheerleaders yell?
Why did the cult members take along five-dollar bills?
What's the official hat of the Heaven's Gate cult?
What did the cult members ask their companions while putting
on the plastic bags?
What two seating classes are there on the cult's UFO?
What kind of Nikes were the Heaven's Gate cultists wearing?
What's the temperature now in Rancho Santa Fe?
What's the difference between the Heaven's Gate cult, a
can of coffee, and the Church of Scientology?
What's the official Heaven's Gate jingle?
Why did the leader of the Heaven's Gate cult want all the
What did the San Diego Coroner say?
Employment Opportunities in Rancho Santa Fe, California
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Note: Do not apply after comet Hale-Bopp leaves near-Earth orbit.
The Sky's the Limit!
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The Heaven's Gate Nursery Rhyme
With apologies to the late Dr. Seuss
Written by Jeffrey D. Warren
There was a cult named Heaven's Gate.
Those 39 they could not wait.
After Hale-Bopp it was too late.
That zany Mr. Applegate!
The UFO they said they'd find,
Trailed Hale-Bopp not far behind.
A crazier notion I've yet to find.
At what point did they lose their mind?
They did not die there in the hall.
They did not die against the wall.
It seemed that no one tried to stall,
It took no time to close their peepers.
The cops just thought they were deep sleepers.
My favorite part? Their new black sneakers!
Will Nike market them as "Air Grim Reapers"?
Now this is the part I really hate:
The testicles they did castrate.
I guess they made no plans to mate.
They could not even masturbate!
I guess when you figure death cannot wait,
There is no time to masturbate.
What!? No time to masturbate!?
Why would ANYONE join Heaven's Gate!?
This one belief they did all share:
For life on earth they did not care.
Their families thought it wasn't fair.
Hey, what was their fucked-up hair?
The media cannot help debate
What caused them to direct their fate.
Was it Mr. Applegate?
Who cares? They were nuts! I think it's great.
I toast them with every vodka sip.
Now, who else wants that mothership?
One comes to mind -- as I purse my lip.
I think Tim McVeigh earned a free one-way trip!
(Thanks, James A.)
Signs Your Webmaster Is in a Cult