QUICKIES 3

No Preverts Aloud Here!
Teachers in Charlotte, North Carolina, are forbidden to say in class the words abortion, bisexual, gay, homosexual, lesbian, masturbation, orgasm, transsexual, and transvestite. Below grade 8, they are also forbidden to use the words birth control, condom and contraception. The theory behind these prohibitions seems to be that hearing these words will encourage students to have sexual intercourse, masturbate or to become homosexuals. (Censorship News, Winter 1966, No. 4. Thanks, Sandy B.)



Answer to Medical Riddle
Not a single reader got the simple and obvious answer to the riddle in "Quickies 2." In my opinion, each of the first three (all women) is a perineum, i.e., "something between a cunt and an asshole." Each of the last three (all men) also is a perineum, i.e., "something between a prick and an asshole."
  We all know a fellow like that -- be it a boss, coworker, brother-in-law, or neighbor -- about whom we are not quite certain what he is. He's not a perfect asshole, but also not a real prick; he is, well, a perineum.

Honored Again
After a little more than two months on the WWW and with 3,500+ hits, this site has been recognized twice. First it was listed by "Yahoo" as Site of the Day or whatever it was called. Today, 3 February 1997, our "Maledicta Monitor" page was chosen as the "Cruel Site of the Day." This selection is a great honor achieved by only a select few, according to Rogers Cadenhead who maintains the site.

Cruel Site

On 22 January, 1998, our site was honored again as the "Cruel Site of the Day," this time by featuring "Excerpts from Maledicta 12."

As Oscar Wilde wrote in 1891, "There is only one thing in the world worse than being talked about, and that is not being talked about." (The Picture of Dorian Gray, chapter 1). -- Or, as expressed nowadays, "The only bad publicity is no publicity."



Golden Oldies
"Doctor, doctor, I can't piss anymore!" -- "How old are you?" -- "Eighty-seven, doctor." -- "Oh, well, you've pissed enough."

"As a trained psychiatrist, Judge Becker, I regret having to inform you that in my opinion you are really crazy." -- "I protest, doctor! I want a second opinion." -- "All right, Madam . . . you're ugly, too!"

I Bet She Kick-Starts Her Vibrator
Roberta (Bobbi) Hatch, one of the militant "Dykes on Bikes" lesbians of San Francisco, must have a lot of spare time. She's busy attacking various males in the "alt.tasteless" newsgroup. On 5 February 1997 she did a hatchet job on a fellow who commented on Ebonics: "...you seem to be one of those people that enjoy being bent over the front fender of a '64 Chevy and ass-fucked until you bleed like a stuck pig."

Matri-Money
What do wives and tornadoes have in common?
-- First they blow and suck a lot, and then they take your house away. (Thanks, Patrick K.)

Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got. (Golden Oldie)

Maledicta Research in Progress (1)
Old Uncle Mal is happy to see his work carried on by young students. One of them is Ms. Roser Pérez i Zamora, M.A. (abarrett@indigo.ie). She is teaching Catalan and Spanish at University College in Cork, Ireland, and is working towards a Ph.D. degree in the Department of Clinical Speech and Language Studies at Trinity College in Dublin. She presented a paper, "Linguistic Taboo in Intercultural Communication: The Case of Irish-Spanish Interaction," on 1 February 1997 at the Irish Association of Applied Linguistics Conference, and she is preparing an article for Maledicta based on her research.
  When I lamented in my letter to her that it may take years before her article appears, consoling her with my home-made Así es la vida chingada (That's fucking life), Ms. Pérez promptly supplied four Spanish equivalents: ¡Vida de perros! (It's a dog's life!), ¡Qué vida tan perra! (Life's such a bitch!), ¡Qué vida tan jodida! (What a fucking life!), and the very vogue ¡Qué jodienda! (How fucking!).
Announcement
Beginning now, I'll add new stuff to "Quickies" only once a week (every Sunday), instead of daily, as I'll have to concentrate on getting the next volume of Maledicta (13) in print, which is six months late. If you enjoy the kind of material in these "Quickies," there's lots more available in the printed Maledicta Monitor newsletter. The 36 typeset pages of the Monitor equal 144 pages of double-spaced typewritten pages. It's yours for only $10 postpaid -- such a deal. So buy already the complete 8-issue set of the Monitor. It wouldn't hurt.

Fun Stuff
How does one say "transvestite" in Ebonics?
-- Susan Be Anthony. (From the Net)

Who will win the first Ebonics spelling bee?
-- An Asian kid. (From the Net)

How many animals are there in a pair of lady's pantyhose?
-- Fourteen: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, and an invisible fish. (Thanks, George S.)

More (Latin) Pickup Lines
"I'm wet. You hard?" (Used yesterday by a woman on the Net)

All following ones are from Dr. Lou B., who sent a long list of uncommon Latin and English phrases:

Quo signo nata es? -- What's your sign?
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? -- Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas? -- Seen any good movies lately?
Re vera, potas bene. -- Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Sic faciunt omnes. -- Everyone is doing it.
  And for you, Ladies, if you ever run into a Latin scholar and progress to congress:
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem! -- Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!

Can't Live with Them; Can't Live without Them . . .
There are long lists of unfunny "Stupid Men Jokes" on the Net, contrived by witless females who misuse old ethnic riddles and simply substitute "man" or "stupid men" for the original "Polack," "Nigger" or "Irishman." Following below are examples of smart anti-male riddles, also found on the Net.

What did God say after creating man?
-- "I can do better."

Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"

What is a man's view of safe sex?
-- A padded headboard.

Why did God create men?
-- Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.

The last one is a woman's adaption of the old "Why did God create women? --Because sheep can't do dishes."

Airline Humor
If three women survive a plane crash -- a rich American, a sexy French, and a poor black -- which one will be saved first?
-- The black woman, because rescuers always look for the black box first. (Thanks, Patrick K. and Dave T.)

Happy Valentine's Day!
On 11 Feb 1997, Ms. Robin Krasichynski posted Valentine's Day greetings and this riddle on several newsgroups:
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
-- When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
  An anonymous fellow ("Pops") retorted by calling her a "hairy armpit homey girl."

Polysemous Jerks
What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Pee-Wee Herman?
-- It took only 12 jerks to get O.J. off. (From the Net)

Hooked on Ebonics
Leroy is a 20-year-old ninth-grader. This is his homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
  • Foreclose: If I pay alimony dis month, I ain't got no money foreclose.
  • Rectum: I had two Cadillacs, but my ole lady rectum both.
  • Hotel: I gave my girfriend da crabs, and da hotel ever'body.
  • Disappointment: My parole officer tole me if I miss disappointment, he gonna send me back to da big house.
  • Penis: I went to da doctor an' he handed me a cup an' said "Penis."
  • Israel: Alfonse he try to sell me a Rolex. I said "Man, dat looks fake." He said "Bullshit! Dat watch Israel."
  • Catacomb: Don King was at da fights de other night. Man, somebody otta give dat catacomb!
  • Undermine: Dere is a fine lookin' ho livin' in de apartment undermine.
  • Acoustic: When I was little, my uncle bought me acoustic an' took me to da pool hall.
  • Iraq: When we got to da pool hall, I tole my uncle "Iraq, you break."
  • Stain: My mudder in law stopped by an' I axe her "Do you plan on stain fo' dinner?"
  • Seldom: My cousin gave me two tickets to da Nicks game, so I seldom.
  • Honor: At da rape trial, da judge axe my homey "Who be honor first?"
  • Odyssey: I tole my brother, "You odyssey dem tits on dat ho!"
  • Axe: Da policeman wanted to axe me some questions.
  • Tripoli: I was gonna buy my ole lady a bra fo' her birthday, but I couldn't find no tripoli.
  • Fortify: I axe da ho "How much?" She say "Fortify."
  • Income: I jus' got in bed wid da ho, an' income my wife. (Thanks, Ken P., Scott R. and Roy M.)

    Additions

  • Widen: When my girlfriend Latrina tole me she was pregnant, I said "Widen you tell me you didn't use no birth control?"
  • Urinal: After da police broke down my front door last night, dey said "Darnell, urinal lot of trouble."
  • Sodomy: When I go out at night, I like to have a bitch on one sodomy an' another bitch on de other.
  • Semen: I never knows who my papa was cause my mama semen left an' right.
  • Polyp: On my way home from da Piston's game de other night, I was involved in a five-car polyp on I-75.
  • Orgasm: I axe my cousin Dexter about da death penalty in his state. He say "Dey electrocute 'em, hang 'em, orgasm."
  • Oreo: I tole my friend Alonzo if he wanted my sister, he could pay me 50 bucks now, oreo me 100 bucks on Friday.
  • Oral: My friend LeRoy say to dat honkie mutha "Gimme 25 bucks oral blow yo' head off."
  • Menstruate: With da fashions today, you can't keep da womens an' menstruate.
  • Manual: I tole Tyrone "Manual git yo'se'f in trouble if you keep messing with dat ho."
  • Letter: Dat ugly bitch downstairs come knockin' on Darnell's door de other night an' I wouldn't letter in.
  • July: After da trial, my mama axe me "Did you tell da truth or july?"
  • Horde: My mama always have a bad reputation cause she horde around in school.
  • Homo: The bitch I's living with call me at da bar de other night. She say "Darnell, honey, you comin' homo what?"
  • Fascinate: My sister Wolanda bought a sweater with ten hooks on it, but her tits be so big she can only fascinate.
  • Dimension: Lotsa ladies been callin' in wonderin' what Darnell do look like. Well, he tall, dark, handsome, not dimension hung like a horse.
  • Decide: My favorite bitches is Wanda an' Yolanda, but I likes to keep a couple on decide.
  • Data: At da basketball game de other night, I scores a triple double an' my coach he say "Data boy, Darnell!"
  • Copulate: I call da police an' a hour later when he show up, I says, "Copulate."
  • Coatroom: Da judge say "One mo' outburst like dat an' I'll have da bailiff clear da coatroom."
  • Clothesline: When I come home late again, I found my clothesline on da porch.
  • Button: My girlfriend Juanita bought some leopard skin stretch pants. I say "Girl, you ain't gonna get yo' button 'em."
  • Afford: I wanted to buy a Cadillac, but den I had to settle for afford.
  • Anus: Da policeman tole me an' my friend Jerome dey be lookin' for da two guys dat done hold up da liquor store. We say "Anus, officer." (From the Net.)


Poor Jacko
What do Michael Jackson and Whisky have in common?
-- They both come in small tots.

What do Michael and McDonald's have in common?
-- They both put their dirty old meat between 10-year-old buns.

What did Michael say the first time he saw his son?
-- "Is that mine? How come he looks like a nigger?"

What was the hardest part for Michael about becoming a father?
-- Cramming that turkey baster up a little boy's ass to get his sperm back out. (From the Net)


Chicks & Dicks
What do women and condoms have in common?
-- They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. (From the Net)


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Goofy