No Preverts Aloud Here!
Answer to Medical Riddle
Not a single reader got the simple and obvious answer to the riddle in "Quickies 2." In my opinion, each of the first three (all women) is a perineum, i.e., "something between a cunt and an asshole." Each of the last three (all men) also is a perineum, i.e., "something between a prick and an asshole."
We all know a fellow like that -- be it a boss, coworker, brother-in-law, or neighbor -- about whom we are not quite certain what he is. He's not a perfect asshole, but also not a real prick; he is, well, a perineum.
After a little more than two months on the WWW and with 3,500+ hits, this site has been recognized twice. First it was listed by "Yahoo" as Site of the Day or whatever it was called. Today, 3 February 1997, our "Maledicta Monitor" page was chosen as the "Cruel Site of the Day." This selection is a great honor achieved by only a select few, according to Rogers Cadenhead who maintains the site.
On 22 January, 1998, our site was honored again as the "Cruel Site of the
Day," this time by featuring "Excerpts from Maledicta
"Doctor, doctor, I can't piss anymore!" -- "How old are you?" -- "Eighty-seven, doctor." -- "Oh, well, you've pissed enough."
"As a trained psychiatrist, Judge Becker, I regret having to inform you that in my opinion you are really crazy." -- "I protest, doctor! I want a second opinion." -- "All right, Madam . . . you're ugly, too!"
I Bet She Kick-Starts Her Vibrator
Roberta (Bobbi) Hatch, one of the militant "Dykes on Bikes" lesbians of San Francisco, must have a lot of spare time. She's busy attacking various males in the "alt.tasteless" newsgroup. On 5 February 1997 she did a hatchet job on a fellow who commented on Ebonics: "...you seem to be one of those people that enjoy being bent over the front fender of a '64 Chevy and ass-fucked until you bleed like a stuck pig."
What do wives and tornadoes have in common?
-- First they blow and suck a lot, and then they take your house away. (Thanks, Patrick K.)
Alimony: The screwing you get for the screwing you got. (Golden Oldie)
Maledicta Research in Progress (1)
Old Uncle Mal is happy to see his work carried on by young students. One of them is Ms. Roser Pérez i Zamora, M.A. (firstname.lastname@example.org). She is teaching Catalan and Spanish at University College in Cork, Ireland, and is working towards a Ph.D. degree in the Department of Clinical Speech and Language Studies at Trinity College in Dublin. She presented a paper, "Linguistic Taboo in Intercultural Communication: The Case of Irish-Spanish Interaction," on 1 February 1997 at the Irish Association of Applied Linguistics Conference, and she is preparing an article for Maledicta based on her research.
When I lamented in my letter to her that it may take years before her article appears, consoling her with my home-made Así es la vida chingada (That's fucking life), Ms. Pérez promptly supplied four Spanish equivalents: ¡Vida de perros! (It's a dog's life!), ¡Qué vida tan perra! (Life's such a bitch!), ¡Qué vida tan jodida! (What a fucking life!), and the very vogue ¡Qué jodienda! (How fucking!).
How does one say "transvestite" in Ebonics?
-- Susan Be Anthony. (From the Net)
Who will win the first Ebonics spelling bee?
-- An Asian kid. (From the Net)
How many animals are there in a pair of lady's pantyhose?
-- Fourteen: 10 little piggies, 2 calves, 1 beaver, and an invisible fish. (Thanks, George S.)
More (Latin) Pickup Lines
"I'm wet. You hard?" (Used yesterday by a woman on the Net)
All following ones are from Dr. Lou B., who sent a long list of uncommon Latin and English phrases:
Quo signo nata es? -- What's your sign?
Estne volumen in toga, an solum tibi libet me videre? -- Is that a scroll in your toga, or are you just happy to see me?
Vidistine nuper imagines moventes bonas? -- Seen any good movies lately?
Re vera, potas bene. -- Say, you sure are drinking a lot.
Sic faciunt omnes. -- Everyone is doing it.
And for you, Ladies, if you ever run into a Latin scholar and progress to congress:
O! Plus! Perge! Aio! Hui! Hem! -- Oh! More! Go on! Yes! Ooh! Ummm!
Can't Live with Them; Can't Live without Them . . .
There are long lists of unfunny "Stupid Men Jokes" on the Net, contrived by witless females who misuse old ethnic riddles and simply substitute "man" or "stupid men" for the original "Polack," "Nigger" or "Irishman." Following below are examples of smart anti-male riddles, also found on the Net.
What did God say after creating man?
-- "I can do better."
Husband: "Want a quickie?"
Wife: "As opposed to what?"
What is a man's view of safe sex?
-- A padded headboard.
Why did God create men?
-- Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
The last one is a woman's adaption of the old "Why did God create women? --Because sheep can't do dishes."
If three women survive a plane crash -- a rich American, a sexy French, and a poor black -- which one will be saved first?
-- The black woman, because rescuers always look for the black box first. (Thanks, Patrick K. and Dave T.)
Happy Valentine's Day!
On 11 Feb 1997, Ms. Robin Krasichynski posted Valentine's Day greetings and this riddle on several newsgroups:
How can you tell when a man is well hung?
-- When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck and the noose.
An anonymous fellow ("Pops") retorted by calling her a "hairy armpit homey girl."
What's the difference between O.J. Simpson and Pee-Wee Herman?
-- It took only 12 jerks to get O.J. off. (From the Net)
Hooked on Ebonics
Leroy is a 20-year-old ninth-grader. This is his homework assignment.
He must use each vocabulary word in a sentence.
What do Michael Jackson and Whisky have in common?
-- They both come in small tots.
What do Michael and McDonald's have in common?
-- They both put their dirty old meat between 10-year-old buns.
What did Michael say the first time he saw his son?
-- "Is that mine? How come he looks like a nigger?"
What was the hardest part for Michael about becoming a father?
-- Cramming that turkey baster up a little boy's ass to get his sperm back out. (From the Net)
Chicks & Dicks
What do women and condoms have in common?
-- They spend more time in your wallet than on your dick. (From the Net)
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