Announcement: "This is Radio Israel. It's 11:00 o'clock -- but for you, 10:45."
If the following nouns don't exist yet, they should. Coined and defined by R. Aman
a naïve, unsophisticated or uncouth Internet user; one who is new to the Internet, newsgroups, web authoring, and e-mail and thus is ignorant of or violates netiquette (from net + etiquette), such as by SHOUTING IN CAPS, posting questions to the wrong newsgroup, producing garish or hard-to-read web pages, or forwarding other people's e-mail addresses without first asking for permission.
a totally sophisticated and smug Internet user; the opposite of cyber-hick; one who *bolds* properly with asterisks and _italicizes_ correctly with underscores; one who is familiar with and obeys every paragraph of the netiquette handbook -- and lets you know it.
an extreme, arrogant and vicious cyber-snob; one who viciously attacks ("flames") others who innocently or naïvely post a question to an inappropriate newsgroup; one who uses a fictitious e-mail return address while verbally abusing others for violating netiquette; a snotty, mean, nasty little nobody with a big ego who hides behind his/her anonymous <firstname.lastname@example.org> e-mail address. Synonym: cyber-nazi.
Pen Pal in Japanese
Mr. Masaru Fujimoto has translated Hillary Clinton's Pen Pal into Japanese, but so far he has had no luck with the baka Tokyo publishers. Does anyone have any bright ideas what to do with his labor of love?
Why is it correct, in my opinion, to characterize each of the following persons as a "perineum"?
(1) Marianne Becker -- (2) Karen Appel -- (3) Shirley Beischel Aman
(4) John Miller Carroll -- (5) Charles Phillips -- (6) Francis Schmitz.
The answer is implied in Maledicta 11. Everyone who e-mails me (email@example.com) the correct answer may deduct $1.00 (one buck U.S.) from his or her next book order. Deadline is 31 January 1997.
Interchangeable Ethnic Jokes
As illustrated repeatedly over the years in Maledicta, the same derogatory riddle is posed about different targets in other countries. A variation of the joke in Maledicta 11 (Dec. 1995: 157) about black LeRoy currently is circulating in France about Mustapha, an Arab. For those who are not up-to-date on French affairs: the Arabs are generally treated in France as the Negroes are in the USA.
Q: Michel and Mustapha are both pupils in the first grade. Who of these two has the bigger dick?
A: Mustapha, because he is 18 years old. (Thanks, Albert F.)
Billions and Billions of Butt-Heads
The Research & Development engineers at Apple Computer code-named their PowerPC "Carl Sagan." Instead of feeling honored, Sagan (who recently died) complained, thus the engineers changed the code name to "BHA," reportedly short for "Butt-Head Astronomer." At that point touchy Sagan sued. They settled out of court, at undisclosed terms. (AppleSauce Weekly, issue 2, 18 November 1995)
To file lawsuits and be awarded money for such trivialities is, of course, frivolous. But it shows that if you have money to hire competent lawyers, you don't have to accept any verbal abuse attacking your personal honor. In my case, a judge, lawyers and Federal scumbags have libeled and slandered me viciously, including in news stories in The Milwaukee Urinal. I went the Poor Man's Route: writing letters to complain about it. The legal scum falsely accused me of mailing threats, and I ended up 15-1/2 months in prison. . . . C'est la frigging vie.
Nomen est Omen
As shown in Maledicta 11, some people's names match their professions. For example, Dr. John Wiener and Dr. Dick Tapper are certified urologists. There are others, whose names match their physical or personality traits. For example, someone named Brown has a swarthy complexion, and Mr. Klein or Ms. Short are indeed runts.
A wonderful example is Hillary Rodham Clinton. Our prison-bound First Lady insists on using Rodham to show her independence, but unbeknownst to her, she thereby also reveals her dominant character trait. "Rodham" is derived from rod, a synonym for "penis" since Biblical times, and ham, the Anglo-Saxon form of Modern English "home." Rodham therefore means "rod's home" or "home for the penis," which is a polite way of saying "cunt."
Presidential Pickup Lines
Bill: "You wanna fuck?" -- "Get in the limo, bitch!" -- "Wanna suck my dick, Paula?"
Hillary: "Would you like to nibble on my succulent clit, Patricia?" -- "You want to sit on my face, Mary?" -- "Care to finger-fuck, Janet?"
Jewish Pickup Lines
"You want to spin my dreidl?"
"Nu, is that a mezuzah in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?"
"May I part your red sea?"
"Wanna go back to my place and play 'Hide the gefilte fish'?"
"Nice yarmulke -- want to fuck?" (Thanks, Dr. Lou B. Edited by R.A.)
Why were there only 49 contestants in the "Miss Ebonics USA Beauty Pageant"?
-- Because no woman would wear the banner reading IDAHO. (Thanks, Ken P.)
New Languages Being Taught in Oakland, California (Thanks, John Mc.)
Clinton's New Limo
What's the name of the new limousine built for Bill by Chrysler?
-- "The Presidential Dodge Drafter." (Thanks, Dr. Bunky D.)
What's the bad news for Bill Cosby?
-- His son is dead.
What's the good news?
-- He gained a daughter.
How can you tell when it's bedtime at Michael's home?
-- When the big hand is on the little hand.
How drunk did Bill Clinton get at the Inaugural Ball?
-- He got so drunk he accidentally asked Hillary for a blowjob!
-- That blouse looks very becoming on you. Of course if I were on you I'd be coming too.
-- If I could rearrange the alphabet, I'd put "U" and "I" together.
-- Are your legs tired? You've been running through my mind all day.
-- You must be from Tennessee, because you're the only "10" I see!
-- Nice dress. It would look even better crumpled up in a corner of my room.
-- Pardon me, is there a mirror in your pocket? I keep seeing myself in your pants.
-- Hey baby, wanna sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?
-- Pardon me, miss, I seem to have lost my phone number. Could I borrow yours?
-- My face is leaving in minutes. You wanna be on it?
-- Screw me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Huberta?
-- Miss, if you've lost your virginity, could I have the box it came in?
-- If you and I were squirrels, I could bust a nut in your hole.
-- That dress looks great on you. As a matter of fact, so would I.
-- Hey baby, you want to see something swell?
-- I love every bone in your body . . . especially mine.
-- Pardon me, madam, are you in heat?
-- Was your father a farmer? You sure have grown some nice melons!
-- Your face or mine?
-- Here's the word for the day: "legs." Wanna go upstairs and spread the word?
-- I feel like a horse. I'd like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag!
-- Hey baby! Wanna go get some pizza and screw? What, you don't like pizza?
-- You know, you've got the prettiest teeth I've ever dreamed of coming across.
-- Lie down, I think I love you.
-- I think I could fall madly in bed with you.
-- Hey baby, wanna play lion? Kneel right here and I'll throw you my meat.
-- So, you're a bird watcher. Would you take this for a swallow?
-- Wanna go behind that rock and get a little boulder?
-- Nice blouse. Wanna fuck?
-- You know what would look good on you? Me!
-- Pardon me, I was just about to go home and masturbate, and I was wondering if you would mind if I fantasized about you?
-- Hey baby, wanna lock crotches and swap gravy?
-- Would you like Gin and platonic, or would you prefer Scotch and sofa?
-- Sex is a killer. Wanna die happy?
-- If I follow you home, will you keep me?
-- I'd like to name your legs "Thanksgiving" and "Christmas." Would you mind if I visited you between the holidays?
-- Excuse me, you have some lipstick on your teeth. Mind if I lick it off?
-- Hi, my name is "Milk." I'll do your body good.
-- Excuse me, is your dress felt? No? Would you like it to be?
-- Wanna play gynaecologist?
-- Pardon me, but are those stretch marks around your mouth?
-- You know what I like about you? My arms.
-- Pardon me, but are you a screamer or a moaner?
-- Wanna do some math? We'll add you and me, subtract our clothes, divide your legs, and multiply.
-- There are 256 bones in your body. Would you like one more?
-- Your eyes remind me of crescent wrenches . . . every time I look into them my nuts tighten!
-- Excuse me, wasn't I supposed to eat you somewhere?
-- Will it bother you if I sleep in the nude?
-- Excuse me, miss, do you give head to strangers? No? Well, then, allow me to introduce myself.
(From the Internet's "267 Pick-Up Lines." Condensed and edited by R. A.)