If you are going to prison for the first time, consider this book as your pal preparing you for the pen. Since it is likely that you, Hillary Rodham Clinton, will be our first First Lady to be sentenced to prison for your "alleged" crimes, thereby joining the nearly 100,000 bodies warehoused in 70 federal prisons, I wish to offer you a basic guide for surviving and thriving in prison, together with a useful encyclopedic glossary about the language, people and situations you'll encounter there. As an ex-convict who has recently emerged from the brutal and dangerous netherworld of the federal prison system and studied it as an anthropologist would, I'm well qualified to offer you this priceless advice. To enable me to gather this information by sending me to prison, the Feds wasted some $100,000 -- but you can acquire all these life-saving facts just for the price of my book.
Going to prison without this information could prove deadly. I wish I had possessed such a guide when I entered federal prison on October 22, 1993, for having exposed and ridiculed several morally corrupt Wisconsin judges and lawyers. Luckily, I survived 15-1/2 months in prison by quickly learning how to avoid being stabbed, slashed or killed and how to act and talk like a tough con. Wimps and ladies don't stand a chance in prison.
Heed my advice, Ms. Clinton, and you'll survive your sentence without major physical and psychological damage. You'll leave the federal slammer tougher than ever. If Bill thinks you are a tough broad now, after your prison experience he'll be terrified knowing that you won't just throw lamps at him but that you can reduce him to a wimpering blob of lard with just one well-placed stab of a finger -- a defensive move you'll learn in prison to fight off aggressive predators and bulldykes.
According to its propaganda, the Federal Bureau of Prisons has four purposes: deterrence, punishment, incapacitation, and rehabilitation. Forget the last claim, a cruel joke. When you step into prison, you'll enter a world you never knew existed, full of unpredictable individuals, dangers and wads of regulations. You'll receive an "Inmate Handbook" or sloppily photocopied pages with the major prison rules. These are easy to learn. But there are much more important rules and regulations -- those of the prisoners.
Disobeying the prisoners' unwritten codes and rituals can get you killed the first day you are in prison. It almost happened to me: because I had mumbled a harmless comment, a 75-year-old Mafia gangster threatened to "fuck a hole" in my head.
Following below are the most essential DOs and DON'Ts of prison life. Memorize them. Do read them again and again until they become second nature to you and you'll be all right.
Before going to prison, cultivate pleasant relationships with Kathleen Hawk, Director of the Federal Bureau of Prisons, and with Janet Reno, Head of our Department of Injustice. These high-ranking gals have a lot of pull. They can overrule and ignore judges' orders, place you into a nice prison and get you a good job there, along with a clean white "bunkie" and other amenities.
Also, because in prison you will start out earning only 3¢ an hour, amounting to the $5.25 minimum "maintenance pay" per month given to every prisoner, make sure that Bill keeps sending money orders on a regular basis. For this reason, it is essential that you remain pleasant to your husband, even if you learn that he is again screwing other broads. After you have served your sentence, you can retaliate: "I'm home, Billy! Now it's payback time, you whoremongering son-of-a-bitch!"
Most of what you'll learn in this book applies to men's prisons as well, state and federal. Thus it behooves you to buy stacks of my Pen Pal and hand out copies to Bill, your lawyers and staff who so loyally lie for you to the media, senators and in court, and who will also go to prison, sooner or later. Make sure to send your first gift copy to your severely memory-impaired New York lawyer friend Susan ("I don't recall") Thomases.
In this book, I have included, defined and described only such words, phrases, persons, and situations as I have personally learned, observed or experienced at the various prisons in which I was incarcerated. A female prisoner verified women-only matters. For additional eye-opening information, see my "Open Letter to Janet Reno" in the Appendix and Recommended Readings.