EXCERPTS
Maledicta 12
1996

From "Domino's Pizza Jargon" by Gwen Foss
[also archived here]

bitch pie
pizza with PMS (pepperoni, mushroom, sausage).

bondage pie
pizza with S and M (sausage and mushrooms).

free green peppers
a sneeze. From the similarity of slimy green peppers and green nasal mucus.

hot peckers
hot peppers. Wordplay on pecker (penis).

Pee on it!
a command by the pizza-maker instructing someone on the line to place pepperoni on a pizza.

sliced testicles
picture-perfect mushroom slices.

stoner
a customer who doesn't know his/her own address. From stoned, to be under the influence of drugs.

zap zits, to
to pop bubbles in the crust of a pizza as it cooks. From zit "pimple."

From "Shit Happens"

Have you ever wondered just why shit happens to you? Well, you're not alone. People have wondered about this fundamental question for many ages, and everyone seems to have a different theory. So, for your reading enjoyment, we have here a massive collection of various ways in which people have tried to explain why shit happens.

Religions

Anglicanism

It's true, shit does happen -- but only to Lutherans.

Atheism
1. Shit doesn't happen.
2. I don't believe this shit!
3. No shit!

Fundamentalism
Shit happens because the Bible says so.

Catholicism
1. If shit happens, you deserve it.
2. You were born shit, you are shit, and you will die shit.
3. Shit happens to you because you are BAD.

Celtic Paganism
Shit, go bragh!

Christian Science
1. When shit happens, don't call a doctor -- pray.
2. Shit doesn't happen and I am not up to my eyeballs in it.
3. Our shit will take care of itself.

Hare Krishna
1. Shit happens, Rama, Rama.
2. Please take this flower and buy our shit.

Jesuitism
If shit happens and nobody hears it, did it really make a sound?

Judaism
Why does shit always happen just before closing the deal?

New Age
1. Shit happens, and it happens to smell good.
2. That's not shit, it's feldspar.
3. If shit happens, honor and share it.

Quakers
1. Let us not fight over this shit.
2. Be silent and wait for shit to happen, friend.

Rastafarianism
Can you smoke this happenin' shit?

Scientology
"Why does shit happen?" See Dianetics (p. 157)

Southern Baptist
Shit will happen. Praise the Lord!

Televangelism
Your tax-deductible donation could stop this shit from happening.

Famous People

Archimedes
1. Hmmm...why doesn't this shit float?
2. Give me a place to stand and I'll move any piece of shit.
3. If I had a lever long enough and a place to stand, I could move the earth -- even if it's full of shit.

Ayn Rand
Reason and shit are corollaries. Where reason is used, shit happens.

Descartes
1. I think, so why am I in this shit?
2. I shit, therefore I am.
3. I think, therefore I shit.
4. Excreto, ergo sum.

George Bush Sr.
1. Read my lips: No new shit!
2. Wouldn't be prudent for shit to happen at this juncture.
3. A thousand points of shit.

Neil Armstrong
This is one small shit for man, but a giant heap for mankind.

Professions

Chef
It needs some more of this green shit.

Computer Scientist
Why won't this shit work?

Dean
Let's see how much shit the faculty will take.

Musician
This shit is out of tune.

Professor
Hey! I've got tenure! I don't give a shit about students.

Waitress
You want fries with this shit?

Computers

BASIC
It's shit.

C
It's shit, but it's efficient.

MS-DOS
1. It's shit, but it's compatible.
2. Shit:>

Windows
The same shit as DOS, only GUIer.


>>> Click here to see the long "Complete List." <<<

"From "Kakologia"

Why are men like linoleum floors?
-- If you lay them right, you can walk all over them for 30 years.

What could happen if the Clintons adopted a child from Arkansas?
-- Bill could be the real father.

How did Bill and Hillary meet?
-- Both were dating the same girl.

What do the Unabomber and girls from Arkansas have in common?
-- They were both fingered by their brothers.

How do you get three old ladies to say "Shit!" at the same time?
-- Have the fourth one yell "Bingo!"

What do you get when you cross the Ku Klux Klan with "The Moody Blues"?
-- Whites in Knight Satins.

Why can't Miss Piggy count to 70?
-- Because when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat.

From "Dutch Soldiers' Latrinalia" by Henk Salleveldt

Lul, kut, kont,
Neuken is gezond.

Prick, cunt, arse,
Fucking is healthy.

Laat de hoeren maar verrekken,
Wij hebben twee handen om te trekken.

Let the whores go to hell,
We have two hands to jerk off.

From "Linguistic and Blasphemous Aspects of Bavarian Micturition and American Toilet Names" by Reinhold Aman

Bavarians use several terms for to urinate, depending on the force, diameter and volume of the urinary stream. They don't use standard German terms such as harnen and urinieren, or North German terms such as pinkeln and pissen. Instead, they choose one of the following five terms:

bisln
to urinate like a child, with a weak, thin, low-pressure stream. Since the 1970s also used euphemistically by adults, as in English to tinkle, to go pee-pee, to piddle.

bruntzn
to urinate extensively with a broad, strong stream like a horse, cow, woman, or beer-filled man. Cf. the American expressions It's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock and to piss like a race horse.

schiffa
to urinate extensively and urgently with a strong stream. From North German colloquial schiffen.

soacha
to urinate with a fairly thin, sharp, high-pressure stream like a male dog or young fellow.

zinsln
to urinate like a youngster, but with more pressure and quantity than bisln. Also used euphemistically like English to tinkle.

( . . . )

This brings me to designations used on toilet doors that are just as puzzling to non-natives as the Icelandic ones were to me. For MEN and WOMEN or GENTS and LADIES one finds "cute" ones, such as POINTERS and SETTERS or BUCKS and DOES in rural lodges, BUOYS and GULLS in seafood restaurants, and earthy ones, such as SHAKERS and WIPERS. If you have seen similar toilet names, please send them to me (including in other languages, with literal translations into English), noting the place where you found them. Your contributions will appear in our next volume.